Immortalize your favorite celebrities, poorly.

I was unaware someone could make Bob Barker look even older than he is...but consider me aware now.So you're thinking about making a life-altering decision and jamming some inked-up needles into your body, eh? Well before you make that plunge, hop online and pick out some temporary tattoo paper for a standard ink-jet printer. You can get a taste for what the tattoo will look like when the real deal has bloodied up your now-toned but soon-to-be-flabby bicep. And since, by some crazy scheme to turn a profit, the paper comes in packages containing more than just one sheet of the stuff, you're going to have enough paper for several experimental tattoos, all of which can and should be used for very ridiculous purposes.

I figured I'd take a moment to scour the net for my favorite of the ridiculous, no-foresight-whatsoever tattoos: the celebrity headshot. Unless the celebrity is a blood relative of yours, there's a good chance he/she will embark on a terrible downward spiral in his/her career, likely inflicting shame on all of those who decided their lives wouldn't be complete unless they captured the iconic image of some complete stranger they worshiped for a couple years during college.

Here are my picks of the litter (and you can decide if I'm using the term "litter" as in a group of newborn puppies or garbage on the side of the road):

Once the boss, always the boss, although personally I would have gotten the picture of him sliding into home plate like in the opening credits.

Yes, that's Tay Zonday. Anybody? Anybody? The "Chocolate Rain" guy. Yeah. I know.


"Alex, I'll take 'Scott Baio as a black guy' for $400 please."


Oh, sure it SAYS 'Clay Aiken', but we all know it's just a hybrid image of Clay, Thom Yorke, Dana Carvey and that weird artsy kid on 'Wedding Crashers.'

I'm actually a little jealous of this one.


Interesting placement...I have a feeling that on any given night, Willy Wonka appears to be giving this dude a BJ.

Baconize everything.

"Sorry Kevin...you look delicious, but we're still going to give the part to someone who can...well...act better than you."The most delicious of the salty meats in the world (if you feel like calling a slab of mostly fat "meat"), is hands down, shut-the-fudge-up-if-you-say-anything-else, no contest, BACON. And little to my knowledge, there is a term already in existence to describe the action of covering other foods in bacon to make them taste better. It is "baconize." You know how I learned this? I Googled the word "baconize," follishly thinking I was being original. Urban Dictionary already has it registered as:

1. baconize
   (v.) To add bacon to anything, such as a Snickers, therefore making it delicious.
   Sure, this is good pie, but lets BACONIZE it!
2. baconize
   (verb) any of many industrial methods for infusing a substance with bacon
   I baconized the mayonnaise for a rich, smoky flavor.
3. Baconize
   The act of owning someone or something using large amounts of heat, fire, grease, or all of the above.
   I fell onto the stove, got totally baconized.

I'm not sure about #3, which sounds more like the definition for "disfigurement" than "baconization", but it appears suggest that the next time one of my friends slaps their forehead down on a grill and severely burns part of their face off, I'll should be sure to exclaim "Woah dude, you totally got baconized!" That seems like the appropriate comment, what with all the heat, fire, grease and blood everywhere. Thanks for that one, Urban Dictionary.

Back to the true topic at hand, UD.com's #1 and #2 definitions hit the target much more precisely. Take an otherwise unedible item like a...Snickers (wtf?) and wrap that in bacon. Boomtown. You've got a delicious treat. Take long strips of bacon and wrap them over, around and through a Krispy Kreme Original. Sweet Georgia Brown! Now you're talking! Milkshake not cutting it? Throw some bacon in the blender, and you've got 2 parts cow, 1 part pig, and 14 parts of fanfuckingtastic! I call it the shake-n-bacon.

But why stop there? Having trouble with the ladies? Put some bacon in your briefs. Yes I'm happy to see you, and yes there is a stash of bacon located somewhere on me. I dare you to discover what I wrapped it around.

Are you going to a petting zoo? Make all the poor little kids jealous of you.

Sad 6-year-old: "Mommy, why won't the animals come to me? Why are they ALL sniffing around on that creepy guy with greasy hands?"

Irritated mother: "Well sweetie, that man appears to have mass quantities of bacon stuffed in every last one of his pockets, probably because his parents didn't raise him properly."

YOU COULD BE THAT IMPROPERLY RAISED CHILD! Just baconize everything.

Walk a rodent. Or don't.

I think he's picked up the scent...'bout to bust a big drug ring...oh, nevermind, he's eating poop.Yes, go ahead and walk a rodent. Or a pet raccoon. Maybe an aardvark? Any animal that isn't supposed to be walked, you should walk. So don't walk a dog. That's what they'd EXPECT you to walk. Oh what about a cat? Most people don't walk cats. Yeah, but most people don't lick themselves until they puke up their own hair. You know who does? Cats. Don't walk cats, don't walk dogs, don't walk iguanas. They'll lick your ankle, it will tickle, and you'll probably trip and fall, smushing your pet iguana to death. Sure it was his fault, but that's just a tragic way to go, and you don't want it on your conscience. Maybe a deer? Oh hells no! Don't walk a deer. Deer try to kill cute defenseless puppies. Seriously. Fuck deer.



Crazy video right? Poor little puppy, out exploring the world, almost gets hoof-scootin' boogied to death. So let's see...don't walk dogs, cats, iguanas, deer...actually don't walk rodents either because obviously that's been done, and judging by the picture above, that little guy was about to freak the fuck out after discovering he was no longer running on a wheel. Don't walk a bunny, cause by the time you get home that sex-crazed little monster will probably have 25 illegitimate children running around the neighborhood. You know what, fuck it. Just walk a dog. This dog:

Life really is simple when you have an armor-plated puppy in your life. Just walk him and enjoy yourself. Cheers, tiny warrior.

Text a fat guy.

Coldplay's motivation for their first big hit, "Yellow."
Today, having completed 4 full weeks of "things to do" blogs, I realize that I'm exhausting the topic to its extreme. I panicked, wondering what to talk about. Then I saw this picture. So many questions immediately flooded my thought-box. First of all, where the fuck are these people? Is this the social event of the season at a shitty country club, complete with fake grass and an enormous green trash bin at every table just in case the KFC and boxed wine don't go down so smoothly? Did the dress code portion of the invitation say "casual and/or yellow", with additional information including "please bring the oldest piece of luggage you can find?" I'd love to be the guy that doesn't resort to poking fun of a fat guy and his poorly performing pants, but I'm not that guy. Plus, I'm unable to believe that this fellow is unaware of his pants situation. If there is a breeze, he'll feel it. If there's anyone behind him (obviously there was someone with a camera), he'll hear them snickering. If his gut isn't blocking the view of his left leg 100%, he'll notice his pants ripping to their very limits. But above all of this, I think I'm most curious about the cell phone texting situation going on. I think there are several valid choices for conversations that could be occurring. Here's one of them.

Guy: Hey, Ma, it's me.
Mom: How is the party, Lenny?
Guy: Not so great. Remember how I thought spandex was a good idea? Well it's not. Apparently stretchy pants can only stretch so far.
Mom: Is your ass hanging out again?
Guy: Full moon.
Mom: How about the all-yellow suit, complete with matching baggy hat? Was it a big hit?
Guy: 3 people have already asked me if I drive a taxi.
Mom: Well that's no good. Has anyone tried to steal your briefcase this time?
Guy: No, I haven't left it for a second. But it's a lot more difficult to mingle at the party knowing that all my money is left on a table. I'm starting to re-think my plan of converting all my currency to bars of gold and never open a bank account.
Mom: It probably is time to open that account, Lenny. Did you at least remember to shave before you left?
Guy: I knew I was forgetting something! Now all those comments referring to me as lumberjack, fat ZZ Top, and Bill Walton make more sense!
Mom: LOL
Guy: Shut up, Mom!
Mom: Sorry. Try to have a good time, dear. And whatever you do, make sure that there isn't someone behind you with a camera. I'd hate to see your fat ass on the internet tomorrow.
Guy: Awww....FUCK!

Birthday free shit.

You know what, kid? It's your birthday. Go ahead and stare.
Do you have an email address? Do you have a birthday? Well guess what, bucko, you could be scoring free shit on your birthday! Not until recently did I realize how much free or semi-free stuff I could obtain on my birthday just for signing up my designated junk email address on company mailing lists. Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone Creamery and Dairy Queen are all hooking me up with ice cream. Red Robin and Ryan's are hooking me up with food (though seeing the documentary Food, Inc. has made me much less excited about these deals). Heck, even Smoothie King is offering me a free smoothie full of protein and pec-juicing 'roids or whatever they hell they use in their blenders. Everyone's been really nice and generous with their coupons. But somehow, I get the impression that Starbucks really doesn't give a shit about my birthday:

Have a happy birthday, fellow July 3rd-ians. And stay the fuck away from Starbucks.

Name your crayons.

What sort of unholy macaroni and/or cheese turns the color of a terror alert?
Yep, with your spare time, you can name your crayons. Read some of the craptacular names out there right now; then you can start making up your own in hopes that the ad wizards at Crayola might take favorably to your suggestions. Somewhat like I just did...

One-man dance revolution.

Watch this.


Ok seriously, did you watch it? Make sure you watched it up until at least the 1:15 mark, when all hell breaks loose. For the life of me, I can't comprehend how that snowballed. I mean, I know people are sheep and will follow what other people are doing blindly...but was the one man dancing giving out samples of whatever amazingly powerful dance-drug he was on? Is that what caused the bum-rush?

I think this is the most motivational non-Tony Robbins ("Banana Hands" from Shallow Hal) video ever made. It clearly shows the power of one. One man can climb a mountain. One man can blow up that mountain with the right explosives. One man can do a lot of good and bad shit with his time. I'd like to quickly point out that I'm not sexist, it's just easier to use the cliche "man" than be politically correct all of the time. In fact, ladies are even more powerful to be honest. It took over a full minute to get more than one person to dance with senor squirmy-pants in that video! If that was a scantily clad female, I'm calling 15 seconds max.

Regardless of gender, use your power of one, make a difference in the world, and dance your fucking dance all over the side of your metaphorical grassy hill until the whole place is jumping like House Party, or possibly House Party 2.

And see this movie: Food, Inc.