Baconize everything.

"Sorry Kevin...you look delicious, but we're still going to give the part to someone who can...well...act better than you."The most delicious of the salty meats in the world (if you feel like calling a slab of mostly fat "meat"), is hands down, shut-the-fudge-up-if-you-say-anything-else, no contest, BACON. And little to my knowledge, there is a term already in existence to describe the action of covering other foods in bacon to make them taste better. It is "baconize." You know how I learned this? I Googled the word "baconize," follishly thinking I was being original. Urban Dictionary already has it registered as:

1. baconize
   (v.) To add bacon to anything, such as a Snickers, therefore making it delicious.
   Sure, this is good pie, but lets BACONIZE it!
2. baconize
   (verb) any of many industrial methods for infusing a substance with bacon
   I baconized the mayonnaise for a rich, smoky flavor.
3. Baconize
   The act of owning someone or something using large amounts of heat, fire, grease, or all of the above.
   I fell onto the stove, got totally baconized.

I'm not sure about #3, which sounds more like the definition for "disfigurement" than "baconization", but it appears suggest that the next time one of my friends slaps their forehead down on a grill and severely burns part of their face off, I'll should be sure to exclaim "Woah dude, you totally got baconized!" That seems like the appropriate comment, what with all the heat, fire, grease and blood everywhere. Thanks for that one, Urban Dictionary.

Back to the true topic at hand, UD.com's #1 and #2 definitions hit the target much more precisely. Take an otherwise unedible item like a...Snickers (wtf?) and wrap that in bacon. Boomtown. You've got a delicious treat. Take long strips of bacon and wrap them over, around and through a Krispy Kreme Original. Sweet Georgia Brown! Now you're talking! Milkshake not cutting it? Throw some bacon in the blender, and you've got 2 parts cow, 1 part pig, and 14 parts of fanfuckingtastic! I call it the shake-n-bacon.

But why stop there? Having trouble with the ladies? Put some bacon in your briefs. Yes I'm happy to see you, and yes there is a stash of bacon located somewhere on me. I dare you to discover what I wrapped it around.

Are you going to a petting zoo? Make all the poor little kids jealous of you.

Sad 6-year-old: "Mommy, why won't the animals come to me? Why are they ALL sniffing around on that creepy guy with greasy hands?"

Irritated mother: "Well sweetie, that man appears to have mass quantities of bacon stuffed in every last one of his pockets, probably because his parents didn't raise him properly."

YOU COULD BE THAT IMPROPERLY RAISED CHILD! Just baconize everything.