Name your own band, poorly.

"Matchbox 1 thru 19 is going to be PISSED."
"You there, with the relatively solid band. That sound you're playing...you know, it's got a little something to it. I'm actually alright with it. I'm still in the room listening to it, so that's a good sign. Usually I'd just leave, you know, I'd just stand up and leave. Maybe even give you the middle gun salute. But no...you're alright. What do you fellas call yourself?"

"Red Plus Blue Equals Me Plus You."

"Ffffffuck you're dumb. I'm outta here."

Band names are not just something you use for people to properly identify you. They're a brand name, a status symbol, and something that can make or break your musical success. I don't care how great your Christian rock band is, if you call yourself The Abortions, you're probably doomed. If your music isn't made for teens, don't name your band something 17 words long that references to an obscure Family Guy quote (although I can't dispute that "Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first" wouldn't be a band name I'd root for).

So for today, I'd like anyone with or without a band to consider coming up with a band name. You never know when it's going to come in handy. If you need some pointers, here are forumlas I've devised for coming up with a band name.

1. Think of a place. And...you're done. There's your band name. Chicago, Boston, Kansas, Alabama, Asia, Europe, America all did this. But why stop at geographical locations? How about just wherever the heck you are at this very moment. Airport, Public Library, Best Buy Display Model PC, Dining Room, Wifi Hotspot, Amature Hot Dog Eating Championship. All solid band names, depending very much on how you definine "solid."
2. The _______. Fill in the blank. And...you're done. Seriously, any word(s). The Boobs. The Culinary Institute. The Target Clearance Rack. The Omega-3 Fatty Acids.
3. _____-ing ______(s). Fill in the blanks. And...you're done. Stopping Tamales. Burning Spandex. Lighting Crabcakes.
4. Anything that pops into head. Literally anything: Formula One A-Holes. Taco Strippers. Robot Armpits. The Beached Whale Sympohony. Billy Jean WAS My Lover. Straight Arms To Punch You. The Prickly Ticklefighters. Bombs-n-Sharks. Little Boy Blue Ate Glue. The Thieving Little Hooligans on 51st Street That Stole My Bicycle. Bollywollypollymolly. The $1.99 Chicken Fajitas. Benja Was A Good Dog. Jewel Case Shatterers. Dudeyousuck. Abolitionist Diaper Change. Boxcar STDs. Upsidedown Penguin. Barnyard Arrtard. Why Is My Toothbrush Brown? The Incredible Alex and His Fine Feathered Friends. Microphone Better Not Fuck Up Tonight. Linus' Blanket Surprise. Cheetah Outrunners. Stress-Related Party-Poopers. Nineteen Shades of Garbage Cans. Harry Loves Your Richard. Times Are Subject to KICK ASS. Lime Is Tired Of Losing To Lemon. The Beautiful Blue Bowties. Wunderbears In Germany.

Ok, I think my work is done here.