Rent a billboard.

How many times have you seen lame billboards that only increase your already heightened level of road rage? I mean for Todd's sake, you're on a major highway and only one bar of reception? ONE BAR?! And that anus in the Subaru came within inches of taking a chunk out of your headlight, apparently because he didn't have a "stop being a prick" app on his iPhone. And on top of all this, you've got to sit there and take a shitty billboard telling you to watch the new season of Gossip Girl?

Fuck that. It's time to take action. Save several paychecks for the good of your fellow drivers. Sure, you hate every last one of them, but maybe you'd hate them less if you gave them something good to read on their commute, putting them in a better mood, thus making them more polite on the open road. It's all about karma. You need to buy some time on a billboard.

But what to put on a billboard? Well my answer, of course, will come in visual form. Here's what I've got.

Ah yes, the super creepy individualized billboard.


This works in two manners. First, it lightens the mood of average drivers who glance haphazardly, then a split-second later confirm: yes, that billboard seems to be geared entirely toward one person, and is just fucking creepy on top of that. The second way it works is by scaring the bejesus out of someone who happens to be named, in this instance, Sarah Keaton. I personally don't know any Sarah Keatons, but if you do, feel free to pass along my blog to her. I'll happily dedicate this post to her.

That idea, however, is small potatoes compared to my true-baller, mastermind idea: the billboard series! You'll be a legend of the billboard world, although you're going to need a lot of cash for this. But just imagine how awesome this would be. Picture yourself driving down a long boring road, maybe an hour in between towns, and a bunch of nothing. You won't be arriving at your destination for several more hours and you'd kill for something to peak your interest. Then you see this billboard:

Um..ok. I mean don't get me wrong, that's absolutely adorable, but...well who needs to advertise kittens? Who living amongst us has not been notified as to the availability of the product known as "kittens" before? Still, I'm curious...


Ohhh, it's one of those two-part billboard campaigns! Now I get it. Well, actually, I still don't get it. Again, very cute animals, but why in the world would someone pay money for them to be on a...


Now wait a minute, this is just getting ridiculous. That billboard is just a teaser for another billboard? And why does each billboard have the exact same trees behind it? (ANSWER: because I didn't feel like finding new stock photos for billboards to work with in Photoshop...shut your face)



You've got to be fuckin kidding me, baby ducks?! This is too damn adorable for its own good. I don't even care if I miss my exit, I've got to see what this is all about!



Heaven? Is this an advertisement for Heaven? It's starting to sound a lot like Heaven. I halfway expect there to be a gummi bear factory where you can make your own flavors.



FUCK ME, THEY DO! But they don't...



They fucking DOOOO let you make your own flavors of gummi bears! Holy shit-on-a-stick, they let you make your own gummi bear flavors! I simply can not believe this.



Well no, no you did NOT mention polar bear cubs, but at this point you're just showing off. My entire existence will be meaningless if I do not find this magical place.












I think I'm going to drive off this cliff now.

I hope you too can do wonderful things with billboards. Good luck!