Create your own Olympic sport.

I'm not sure when they take place, but I think I found the logo for the Bondage Olympics.The years of intense training. The hours of endless driving to and from practice. The lifetime of jumping on hotel beds. Because yes...that's become an Olympic sport. Trampoline jumping can get you a medal in the Olympics. It probably won't get you a hefty endorsement contract from Nike, but maybe you can melt down the gold medal and sell it, assuming it's made out of actual gold, which I'm not entirely sure of.

If some backyard junkies can get trampoline jumping added to the roster, it seems to me that you can probably work your way to making just about anything an Olympic sport if you get enough people participating in it. The Winter Olympics' Biathlon is simply a bunch of people skiing, then stopping every once in a while to shoot a rifle. If that sounds lame, it should. But it should also open up some doors for you. You can COMBINE sports to make a new sport!

As usual, I offer up my own ideas as inspiration for your own.

• 400-meter Texting. All athletes get into their starting blocks with their choice of text-enabled cell phone. They are all given the message that they need to type and send to the judges before they complete one lap. The first person who cross the finish line wins, provided they did not make any errors in the message. No penalties, however, will be given to particpants running out of their designated lanes, as this will likely occur, leading to collisions and downright hilarity. This can be the comic relief portion of the otherwise dramatic final week in the Summer Olympics.
• Downhill Sumo. Basically, this would simply be a bunch of 300+ lb dudes running down a hill, tripping, and rolling the rest of the way down the hill.
• 100-meter Leapfrog. This one's super-simple: 2 people playing leapfrog as quickly as possible, racing against other pairs. Honestly...how is this NOT already an Olympic sport? We have 2-person events like fucking synchronized DIVING, but we don't have leapfrog?
• Food drop and catch (I don't have a good name for this yet). You grab a cheeseball and throw it as high as possible into the air. The person who throws it the highest AND can still catch it in their mouth will be standing on the podium at the end of the day. Medics are on hand ready to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Stray dogs are on hand to eat anything that falls to the ground.

Right about here I was going to make a joke about how the hip-hop community has given new meaning to the current Olympic event "skeet shooting", but I think I'll take the high road and not discuss it any further. It would have been a load of fun though. Get it? Ok, seriously I'm done.