Heavily promote something.

When you're a celebrity, you get paid money just to use a product. You get the product for FREE, then you get extra money to use it. I'm no celebrity, but I'd like to be included in this deal, please. I've thought long and hard about this, and the one thing in life that I may never get tired of...the ONE single thing that I'd want to promote for as long as I live if it scored me free product is...drumroll please...

Jamba Juice! No, I need to use all caps for that. JAMBA JUICE! M-F-ing JAMBA JUICE (bolded and italicized for emphasis). Kind folks at Jamba Juice, please hook me up with free smoothies. What more do I need to do to prove my love for you? How about this referral? Attention readers of my blog: If you happen to live in North Austin, stop by the Arboretum Jamba location and ask for the Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. Yes, that's right, I love Jamba so much that I've got my own flavor (note: I didn't actually name it, I just got tired of giving the ingredient instructions so one night a dude there suggested the name, and I approved...it's written in a little spiral notebook behind the counter). The Chuck Norris consists of strawberries, blueberries, peaches, pomegranate juice, orange juice and lemon juice. It tastes like you're getting kicked in the mouth with a foot made out of SweetTarts. It's been known to cure the common cold. I currently don't have cancer, so I'm fairly certain it has prevented that as well.

Upper management of Jamba Juice, I beg of you: please let me know what I, your humble servant, can do to help promote your stores and your delicious, delicious smoothies, and in return receive a lifetime supply of free delicious (did I mention delicious?) smoothies. Want me to wear a Jamba tshirt? Maybe an embroidered beanie? Drop me a line and I'll be happy to make arrangements to be a walking billboard. I've already taken it upon myself to produce these images in honor of your company.

I'm sorry, dear. My heart is already committed to my one true love. I'm not sure how gravity isn't spilling orange smoothie all over my face right now. Also of note, you wearing white is laughable.


Chasing Jamba off a cliff and into the mouth of a hungry shark...maybe a bit much. But I bet if that dude shares his Jamba with the shark, his life will be spared. Why? Cause sharks think Jamba is tastier than HUMAN FLESH!!!! I concur.


Hey there, adorable little kitten! Look at you, jumping up in the air like a person would. You're just tooooooo cute. So very cute. But listen up...stay the fuck away from my Jamba.

But everyone else...do NOT stay the fuck away from Jamba Juice. Find a location nearest you, and try one of their many delicious flavors, including Blackberry Bliss for a limited time only!

Can I have some free smoothies now?