Reminisce with the shitty music you listened to in your youth.

This whole blog started as a rather ridiculous "things to do when you're bored" blog, and I'll be honest - I've led you all astray many times. Today, however, I'm going to lead by example with a rather practical use of your time. It's a memory exercise regarding all the music that led you into the person you are today. Seriously, be honest with yourself. It might sting a bit. I can guide you on some key steps in my personal musical journey, and hopefully I'll embarrass myself enough that you'll feel comfortable doing it to yourself.

1. Neil Diamond

I'm actually quite proud that my first memory of music, circa age 3 or 4, is of Neil Diamond's Hot August Night album. Specifically, I recall banging on a Fisher Price drum to "Cherry, Cherry." Listen and tell me that's not at least slightly cooler than growing up to a fucking purple dinosaur.
Click Here to listen to the whole damn album on Myspace, surprisingly enough.


1b. Teddy Ruxpin - I listened to a shitload of Teddy Ruxpin cassettes. Fine, I'm no better than the purple dinosaur reference. Guilty.


2. Restless Heart

I grew up in a country music household, and I rebelled by getting albums from Restless Heart around age 6. These dudes are fairly cheesy "country" pop. Twenty-one years later, I'm seeing the music video for one of their songs for the very first time. Awesomely cornball.


3. Debbie Gibson

What the fuck? I listened to Debbie Gibson! I had completely blocked this one out of my mind until randomly flipping through Vh1 last weekend and seeing Debbie talking about some other 80s artist. It all came rushing back to me, and I remembered that I had one (AND ONLY ONE) Debbie Gibson song...on a cassette SINGLE. It was this song...fucking embarrassing. But slightly better with comedians making fun of it.


4. Garth Brooks

Hopping right back into the "bad boys" of country music phase, I became a huge fan of the man who sang the least number of songs about pickup trucks, yet the highest number of songs referencing rodeos. Go figure. But for its time, when this song came out it certainly was a far cry from the rest of the country music genre I had to choose from. In fact, I'll actually blame Garth for the pop-music industry that "country" is today. By the way, I think my favorite part of this video is where Garth and his poor band is playing out in the middle of a thunderstorm (mics and amps LOVE rain water, in case you were wondering), and then magically at the end of the video, presumably in the same thunderstorm he just was playing music in, Garth shows up with a fresh change of clothes and a different cowboy hat. Shazaam!

garth brooks "the thunder rolls" @ Yahoo! Video


5. Counting Crows

"Mr. Jones" and "Rain King" altered my musical path greatly when I first heard them in 5th grade.


6. Boyz II Men

Why on Earth did they spell their name like that? Why did the dude with the deep voice always have to talk during songs? Who fucking cares? They gave us "End of the Road" and "I'll Make Love To You" and "Water Runs Dry" and...every other song you slow danced to for the better part of the decade. Unfortunately, the bastards at Universal disabled embedding their videos, so you're on your own to look them up.

...AND then I got into middle school and high school and all hell broke loose. I jacked friends' CDs and recorded them onto cassettes. Then I stumbled upon the internet. End of story.

Get addicted to drugs.

Just kidding, don't get addicted to drugs. It's just a bad road, man. But don't take my word for it. Check out these cats. Seriously, fucking check out these cats!



INSANE! The way those kitties are affected just by the smell of the damn plants makes me think maybe there is something to the whole aromatic aphrodisiac idea. Is there going to be catnip in my pocket on my next date? Maybe...

Having watched the video twice now, and seen many-a-feline reminiscent to the several my family had back in my early years, I decided to create a fictitious conversation between the cats, giving them the names of some of my aforementioned house/yard pets. You might want to open the video in a new window and read along with the sound turned off.

Scamper: "This camera intrigues me...no, wait... now I'm bored with it. Let me just mosey on over to those weird broken fountains and where the fuck did all these other cats come from!"

All: "HEYYYY Scamper, what's going on!"

Scamper: "Uh...nothing...why are you all here?"

(Jaguar-looking cat named Bo walks in stealthily)
Bo: "Sup dipshits...why am I subconsciously drawn to this area even though all you losers are already here?"

Oscar: (sniffs flowers) "This is gonna be a good trip, mannnn!"

Sam: (walks down pillar) "Wait...why did I walk down here again?"

Katzy: (on top of ledge) "I'm FREAKING OUT!!!"

Charlie: "I loooooove this camera...but I am le tired."

Blue: "I don't see what everyone is getting out of this flower...woah, it's kicking in now...YUCK YUCK YUCKIE."

Fluffy: "I wish this plant could rub me in my special place."

Unkempt, homeless cat: "I am sooooo fucked up right now."

All: "When does the orgy start?"

Samantha: "I'm definitely not high enough for an orgy with these ugly dudes."

My (yes, I had a cat named My): (bitch-slaps Sam) "What did I tell you about touching my stash?"

Various cats: "Oh it's on now...I'm gonna slap this cat" and "Now I'm gonna jump after this cat" and "WHEEEEEE!!!!"

Baby: "Nobody puts me in the corner! But my mouth is inexplicably foaming. I should probably stay over here in the corner for a while longer. I think I'm going to be sick. Yep. I'm sick. Where's the goddamn Tylenol?"

Sam: "I got ants in my pants and I need to dance!!!"

Various cats: "My fur feels funny" and "I'm floating" and "I see Jesus and he looks like one of the Thundercats!"


Thankfully, the video shut off before the orgy scene, which resulted in Bob Barker having a nervous breakdown due to all the unwanted cat pregnancies. But don't worry, Bob recovered to a life of pumping young men. BONUS VIDEO FUN!!! Enjoy.

Find a Disney-character-named person.

No, no...I said has a Disney-character NAME. Not just a dude who looks like an idiot.
Objective: In a public place, find someone with the same name as a Disney afternoon cartoon character.

If you're like me, you grew up with Disney cartoons after school. If you're a little older, your line-up may have included Gummi Bears, DuckTales, Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, and TaleSpin. If you're slightly younger, your afternoon might have held Darkwing Duck, Goof Troop, and some weird little fucker named Bonkers. Or maybe you flipped the station and watched Tiny Toon Adventures and Animaniacs instead, but we're just sticking to the Disney lineup for this post, so shut up with your Pinky & the Brain references. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go to a large store and find someone who has the same name as one of these characters.

Now you may be wondering what the best method for doing this would be. While anything you think up is perfectly acceptable, my idea consists of dressing up like you're running some sort of promotional contest, whether that be in Disney shirt and hat or some third-party company. Make an announcement that the first person who can prove that their name is Launchpad McQuack wins a prize. Now obviously, you'll have to be standing there for quite a while before someone stops by with the legal name of Launchpad McQuack. So I've devised a list of character names within the following categories (best guess of animal type in parentheses) that you can use depending on which difficulty level you desire:

Quite common, boring names that aren't anything to call home about:
Chip (chipmunk), Dale (squirrel), Rebecca (bear), Molly (bear), Louie (duck), Max (Goofy's son...some type of dog maybe?)

Some more challenging names:
Dewey (duck), Huey (duck), Drake (duck, specifically a mallard)

The names that will be more fun to scream out inside of a store:
Baloo (bear), Gusto (bear, gummi), Bonkers (bobcat), Monterey Jack (Australian mouse) Fat Cat (a fat cat), Honker Muddlefoot (duck). Yes, Wikipedia aided me greatly for this blog entry.

So what happens when you actually find someone with one of these names? Well in my plan, you're doing this inside of Wal-Mart, so you give them a prize. Maybe just hand them a bag of peanuts or something off one of the shelves. I'm not exactly sure who gets credit for shoplifting if they eat the bag of peanuts thinking they were already paid for. If I've got any lawyers reading the blog, please leave the answer to this in the comments section so we all can benefit from your ridiculously-expensive-hourly-waged knowledge.

Now take a nostalgia break with some theme songs, which is really the basis for why I decided to write this blog anyway. I had the gosh darn DuckTales song stuck in my head.

Heavily promote something.

When you're a celebrity, you get paid money just to use a product. You get the product for FREE, then you get extra money to use it. I'm no celebrity, but I'd like to be included in this deal, please. I've thought long and hard about this, and the one thing in life that I may never get tired of...the ONE single thing that I'd want to promote for as long as I live if it scored me free product is...drumroll please...

Jamba Juice! No, I need to use all caps for that. JAMBA JUICE! M-F-ing JAMBA JUICE (bolded and italicized for emphasis). Kind folks at Jamba Juice, please hook me up with free smoothies. What more do I need to do to prove my love for you? How about this referral? Attention readers of my blog: If you happen to live in North Austin, stop by the Arboretum Jamba location and ask for the Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. Yes, that's right, I love Jamba so much that I've got my own flavor (note: I didn't actually name it, I just got tired of giving the ingredient instructions so one night a dude there suggested the name, and I approved...it's written in a little spiral notebook behind the counter). The Chuck Norris consists of strawberries, blueberries, peaches, pomegranate juice, orange juice and lemon juice. It tastes like you're getting kicked in the mouth with a foot made out of SweetTarts. It's been known to cure the common cold. I currently don't have cancer, so I'm fairly certain it has prevented that as well.

Upper management of Jamba Juice, I beg of you: please let me know what I, your humble servant, can do to help promote your stores and your delicious, delicious smoothies, and in return receive a lifetime supply of free delicious (did I mention delicious?) smoothies. Want me to wear a Jamba tshirt? Maybe an embroidered beanie? Drop me a line and I'll be happy to make arrangements to be a walking billboard. I've already taken it upon myself to produce these images in honor of your company.

I'm sorry, dear. My heart is already committed to my one true love. I'm not sure how gravity isn't spilling orange smoothie all over my face right now. Also of note, you wearing white is laughable.


Chasing Jamba off a cliff and into the mouth of a hungry shark...maybe a bit much. But I bet if that dude shares his Jamba with the shark, his life will be spared. Why? Cause sharks think Jamba is tastier than HUMAN FLESH!!!! I concur.


Hey there, adorable little kitten! Look at you, jumping up in the air like a person would. You're just tooooooo cute. So very cute. But listen up...stay the fuck away from my Jamba.

But everyone else...do NOT stay the fuck away from Jamba Juice. Find a location nearest you, and try one of their many delicious flavors, including Blackberry Bliss for a limited time only!

Can I have some free smoothies now?

Make some signs.

I've got some vacation time coming up, so although this is going to be my last blog entry for the week (somber news to maybe 3 people), I wanted to provide a motivational parting shot. So here goes. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! WITH SIGNS!

Or maybe you can't, what do I know? But go make some signs anyway, and prance around with them like these fine folks.

They were protesting against California Proposition 13, which was also known as the "People's Initiative to Limit Property Taxation." Unfortunately, most Hulk Hogan fans are partially illiterate, and these people thought Prop 13 had something to do with forcing Hulkamania to shave off his handlebars. Prop 13 took place in 1978, but this gentleman wanted to grow handlebars of his own and have them turn white before he voiced his concern.


Honestly really is the best policy, so rather than having to guess "Where's that cheese smell coming from...and is that dude wearing a shower curtain?", this Dead-head has decided to remove most of your curiosity via the oversized written word.


The real joke is that about 40 yards to the right of this picture, there is a cross-walk. And it's one of those really, really pedestrian-friendly cross-walks that let 4 cars go through and then a mob of people get to walk for about a full 2 minutes.


To complete the oddball trio, the old lady who took this picture was holding a sign that said, "Frosted Flakes are GRRRREAT!"


She couldn't bring herself to verbalize what everyone at the office was feeling, but she too knew she was doing a really shitty job at work.

Create your own Olympic sport.

I'm not sure when they take place, but I think I found the logo for the Bondage Olympics.The years of intense training. The hours of endless driving to and from practice. The lifetime of jumping on hotel beds. Because yes...that's become an Olympic sport. Trampoline jumping can get you a medal in the Olympics. It probably won't get you a hefty endorsement contract from Nike, but maybe you can melt down the gold medal and sell it, assuming it's made out of actual gold, which I'm not entirely sure of.

If some backyard junkies can get trampoline jumping added to the roster, it seems to me that you can probably work your way to making just about anything an Olympic sport if you get enough people participating in it. The Winter Olympics' Biathlon is simply a bunch of people skiing, then stopping every once in a while to shoot a rifle. If that sounds lame, it should. But it should also open up some doors for you. You can COMBINE sports to make a new sport!

As usual, I offer up my own ideas as inspiration for your own.

• 400-meter Texting. All athletes get into their starting blocks with their choice of text-enabled cell phone. They are all given the message that they need to type and send to the judges before they complete one lap. The first person who cross the finish line wins, provided they did not make any errors in the message. No penalties, however, will be given to particpants running out of their designated lanes, as this will likely occur, leading to collisions and downright hilarity. This can be the comic relief portion of the otherwise dramatic final week in the Summer Olympics.
• Downhill Sumo. Basically, this would simply be a bunch of 300+ lb dudes running down a hill, tripping, and rolling the rest of the way down the hill.
• 100-meter Leapfrog. This one's super-simple: 2 people playing leapfrog as quickly as possible, racing against other pairs. Honestly...how is this NOT already an Olympic sport? We have 2-person events like fucking synchronized DIVING, but we don't have leapfrog?
• Food drop and catch (I don't have a good name for this yet). You grab a cheeseball and throw it as high as possible into the air. The person who throws it the highest AND can still catch it in their mouth will be standing on the podium at the end of the day. Medics are on hand ready to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Stray dogs are on hand to eat anything that falls to the ground.

Right about here I was going to make a joke about how the hip-hop community has given new meaning to the current Olympic event "skeet shooting", but I think I'll take the high road and not discuss it any further. It would have been a load of fun though. Get it? Ok, seriously I'm done.

Name your own band, poorly.

"Matchbox 1 thru 19 is going to be PISSED."
"You there, with the relatively solid band. That sound you're playing...you know, it's got a little something to it. I'm actually alright with it. I'm still in the room listening to it, so that's a good sign. Usually I'd just leave, you know, I'd just stand up and leave. Maybe even give you the middle gun salute. But no...you're alright. What do you fellas call yourself?"

"Red Plus Blue Equals Me Plus You."

"Ffffffuck you're dumb. I'm outta here."

Band names are not just something you use for people to properly identify you. They're a brand name, a status symbol, and something that can make or break your musical success. I don't care how great your Christian rock band is, if you call yourself The Abortions, you're probably doomed. If your music isn't made for teens, don't name your band something 17 words long that references to an obscure Family Guy quote (although I can't dispute that "Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first" wouldn't be a band name I'd root for).

So for today, I'd like anyone with or without a band to consider coming up with a band name. You never know when it's going to come in handy. If you need some pointers, here are forumlas I've devised for coming up with a band name.

1. Think of a place. And...you're done. There's your band name. Chicago, Boston, Kansas, Alabama, Asia, Europe, America all did this. But why stop at geographical locations? How about just wherever the heck you are at this very moment. Airport, Public Library, Best Buy Display Model PC, Dining Room, Wifi Hotspot, Amature Hot Dog Eating Championship. All solid band names, depending very much on how you definine "solid."
2. The _______. Fill in the blank. And...you're done. Seriously, any word(s). The Boobs. The Culinary Institute. The Target Clearance Rack. The Omega-3 Fatty Acids.
3. _____-ing ______(s). Fill in the blanks. And...you're done. Stopping Tamales. Burning Spandex. Lighting Crabcakes.
4. Anything that pops into head. Literally anything: Formula One A-Holes. Taco Strippers. Robot Armpits. The Beached Whale Sympohony. Billy Jean WAS My Lover. Straight Arms To Punch You. The Prickly Ticklefighters. Bombs-n-Sharks. Little Boy Blue Ate Glue. The Thieving Little Hooligans on 51st Street That Stole My Bicycle. Bollywollypollymolly. The $1.99 Chicken Fajitas. Benja Was A Good Dog. Jewel Case Shatterers. Dudeyousuck. Abolitionist Diaper Change. Boxcar STDs. Upsidedown Penguin. Barnyard Arrtard. Why Is My Toothbrush Brown? The Incredible Alex and His Fine Feathered Friends. Microphone Better Not Fuck Up Tonight. Linus' Blanket Surprise. Cheetah Outrunners. Stress-Related Party-Poopers. Nineteen Shades of Garbage Cans. Harry Loves Your Richard. Times Are Subject to KICK ASS. Lime Is Tired Of Losing To Lemon. The Beautiful Blue Bowties. Wunderbears In Germany.

Ok, I think my work is done here.