Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Anonymously woo the shit out of someone.

Baby momma AND baby daddy? Both? In other words, "Ashley, I'd like you to become a single parent...and possibly a hermaphrodite."You've seen way too many romantic comedies to think this is a bad idea. Grab a phone book and find someone's address. Then find someone else's address. Type up the most endearing and/or creepy love letter you can conjure up. Mail to person A, return address from person B. Done. If all goes as planned, just like in the movies, you'll begin a chain of love letters between two strangers who will meet at some point and make sweet, sweet babies. Make sure to write down the names for both of Cupid's victims here, because you'll certainly want to check up on them years later and see how it went.

Fresh out of ideas? I'll get you started.

"Hello there, sweet thang. I know you don't know me, but Jesus (and perhaps my landlord) knows that I know you. I'd love to meet you face to face, or my face to any of your body parts really. It doesn't have to be your face."

"Mrs. Anderson, I'm really hoping you're a Ms. by the time you get this. Sometimes words just aren't enough to describe how many illegal things I've done in the last day and a half. How do you feel about Mexico, and specifically, going there within the next 24 hours?"

"Hello my love! How come you never respond to any of my letters? This is the fifth one I've sent, but the first in which I didn't include $500 in cold hard cash. Maybe I was coming on too strong, throwing all that free money in your face like that. Don't worry, it will never happen again."

"Jerry, it's Carl from the party a few months ago. I know you were really drunk that night, but I just can't stop thinking about you after all that crazy stuff we did together. I hope it doesn't burn when you pee. Anywho...."

If those aren't the type of letters that will make people all over the world start a love train, I don't know what will. Seriously...I don't know what will.

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