Sell your shit.

"See, officer...it's windowless because...um...because the Barbies might be damaged by sunlight. Or the kids might try to escape. Wait...scratch that last part."You've got a lot of shit, you know. Lots of it. You've got shit you didn't even know you had. Shit all over your room, shit you're stepping on just to move around in your home. Shit EVERYWHERE!

I'm of course not using the word "shit" in place of "poop." Why would I ever turn down the opportunity to use the word "poop" - it's much more fun to say. No, no, I'm talking about all the materialistic "shit" you buy that you more than likely use once and should probably discard, but rather than admitting to yourself "hey self, you sure did fuck up on that purchase...dumb self, dumb!" you instead keep that stupid purchase around "just in case" you find a use for it. "See, not such a bad purchase after all, cause I might use it again, and I've got it in case I need it!" Right, self. Right. Who are you fooling? That Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt lost it's mojo (assuming it ever had mojo, which I don't agree with), and it isn't going to be ironic-cool for another decade. The beginner guitar hurt your fingers when you tried to teach yourself to play...and guess what, the next time you pick it up in winter 2010, those fingers are going to hurt just the same. And the penis pump...my god, don't get me started on the penis pump. What a mistake, friend. You never should have bought that penis pump.

So do you have a garage sale for all your shit? Do you bother your neighbors with a door-to-door salesman routine? Craigslist? Nay on all accounts (ok, you probably should go with Craigslist, but this blog post wouldn't be as fun that way). Here's what you do, broken down into simple steps.

1. Rent an unmarked, windowless white van. Super legit. It screams "I mean business," even if that business happens to be smuggling immigrants.
2. Load all of your unwanted, ready-to-be-someone-else's-mistake shit into said van.
3. Park near the front of a Goodwill Store.
4. Hang a big sign on the side of the van that says "Greatwill."

Need I say more? Seriously, should I? This thing sells itself. I learned the hierarchy of superlatives in first grade. Good is ok, but great is surely better, always. The only way you'd be fucked is if someone else parked next to you in a van marked "Greatestwill," and gave out free cherry Kool-Aid. Fuck that, add on another step: #5. Bring purple Kool-Aid for customers. Suck on that, Greatestwill. Everyone knows grape tops cherry in a Kool-Aid contest. Everyone.

And there you have it. Park your van and SELL SELL SELL in your mobile Greatwill store. Seriously, hurry it up with the selling of all your shit. You probably have about 15 minutes before Goodwill calls the cops on you.