Paul Bunyan Day.

Paul Bunyan, whose body-type was modeled after a combination of Larry King and the Nutcracker, is seen here with his beloved ox Babe, who apparently glows in the dark.In what I hope to be the first of many obscure holiday blog postings, I'd like to point out that tomorrow (Saturday, June 27th) is Paul Bunyan Day. So I'll give you some pointers on how to celebrate PBD in style, right after a brief explanation about P-Buns.

You may be asking why in holy hell Paul Bunyan gets his own day. Well, he doesn't. He shares it with "Sunglasses Day," a day in which you...wear sunglasses. I'm unsure whether this is to appease the Sun gods, piss them off, of help Ray-Ban with a struggling quarterly earnings statement, but it seems like a big pile of crap to me. Step off of Paul Bunyan's day, you retina-relaxing devil-goggles. Paul Bunyan SHOULD get his own day. After all, according to my sources (the same Internet that hosts such accurate and well-researched pools of information as my own blog or Fox News), Bunyan can be credited with:

• Creating logging in the U.S.
• Scooping out the Great Lakes to water Babe, his ox.
• Clearing the entire States of North and South Dakota for farming.
• Training ants to do logging work. They were, of course, Carpenter Ants.
• Babe's large footprints created Minnesota's 10,000 lakes.

See...that's a lot of important stuff right there! Logging? Without Paul Bunyan, your houses would have to be made out of brick! Oh...oh brick is actually a better choice? Ok, but the Great Lakes! Yeah, that right there effected...only 8 States. Fine, fine. But clearing out the Dakotas for farming was...hey wait a minute, Mt. Rushmore is in South Dakota. You didn't clear out the entire States, and you can't farm on a fucking mountain, Paul! This whole story is becomming less and less believable. Training ants? Who gives a shit? Get your giant ox to procreate and make baby giant oxes to learn the logging trade! It's gotta take months for trained ants to cut a tree. One giant ox just needs to run into one and you get to yell "TIMBER!" And what's this about more lakes? We already heard you bragging about the Great Lakes, and now you're going to go on about some lesser lakes you made? In Minnesota, no less?

You know what? I don't feel like giving anyone advice on celebrating Bunyan's big day anymore. Forget it, Paul. Your ox is adorable, but you haven't benefitted my life nearly enough to warrant your own day. I'm just going to shut my mouth on Saturday, wear some sunglasses, and watch Al Borland on Home Improvement. That's one lumberjack-looking doughboy more deserving of my attention.