Zoos are great places to spend roughly 45 minutes before you realize that all the cool animals are hiding in their shady spots, trying desperately to learn how to fill a prescription for Prozac. A quarter-mile radius surrounding the elephant pin smells like shit, the jaguars are scrunched up in corners (perhaps they're tired of being called cougars or panthers or mountain lions, but I looked it up and those fuckers are all the same animal really), and the gorilla has thrown all his feces at the field-trip children already and needs to eat some more food to reload his ammo. So walk yourself and 3-5 of your most animated friends down to the monkey cage and get the primates all riled up. In unison, start jumping up and down and making as much noise as possible. You may feel embarrassed, but don't be. I've seen you at the club. Your dancing is not much less embarassing than this. Parents will shake their heads and tell their children not to imitate you, ashamed that your generation somehow slipped through society's cracks without "manners" or "proper etiquette" or "a stick up your pooper". But you and your friends will soon either be A) at an all-out ear-shattering war with some irrate monkeys, or B) escorted out of the zoo. Either way, doesn't that beat ESPN 2's coverage of lumberjacks running on river logs or E!'s 12-hour episode of "Would Paris Hilton Be Famous If We Stopped Airing These Fucking Shows Already?"
Friday, June 12, 2009
Mock a Monkey.
Shut your mouth, monkey, or I'll shut it for you. Right after I feed you a treat and you grasp my finger like a baby. No, those aren't tears...fine, they are...you're just so goddamn adorable. 
Zoos are great places to spend roughly 45 minutes before you realize that all the cool animals are hiding in their shady spots, trying desperately to learn how to fill a prescription for Prozac. A quarter-mile radius surrounding the elephant pin smells like shit, the jaguars are scrunched up in corners (perhaps they're tired of being called cougars or panthers or mountain lions, but I looked it up and those fuckers are all the same animal really), and the gorilla has thrown all his feces at the field-trip children already and needs to eat some more food to reload his ammo. So walk yourself and 3-5 of your most animated friends down to the monkey cage and get the primates all riled up. In unison, start jumping up and down and making as much noise as possible. You may feel embarrassed, but don't be. I've seen you at the club. Your dancing is not much less embarassing than this. Parents will shake their heads and tell their children not to imitate you, ashamed that your generation somehow slipped through society's cracks without "manners" or "proper etiquette" or "a stick up your pooper". But you and your friends will soon either be A) at an all-out ear-shattering war with some irrate monkeys, or B) escorted out of the zoo. Either way, doesn't that beat ESPN 2's coverage of lumberjacks running on river logs or E!'s 12-hour episode of "Would Paris Hilton Be Famous If We Stopped Airing These Fucking Shows Already?"
Zoos are great places to spend roughly 45 minutes before you realize that all the cool animals are hiding in their shady spots, trying desperately to learn how to fill a prescription for Prozac. A quarter-mile radius surrounding the elephant pin smells like shit, the jaguars are scrunched up in corners (perhaps they're tired of being called cougars or panthers or mountain lions, but I looked it up and those fuckers are all the same animal really), and the gorilla has thrown all his feces at the field-trip children already and needs to eat some more food to reload his ammo. So walk yourself and 3-5 of your most animated friends down to the monkey cage and get the primates all riled up. In unison, start jumping up and down and making as much noise as possible. You may feel embarrassed, but don't be. I've seen you at the club. Your dancing is not much less embarassing than this. Parents will shake their heads and tell their children not to imitate you, ashamed that your generation somehow slipped through society's cracks without "manners" or "proper etiquette" or "a stick up your pooper". But you and your friends will soon either be A) at an all-out ear-shattering war with some irrate monkeys, or B) escorted out of the zoo. Either way, doesn't that beat ESPN 2's coverage of lumberjacks running on river logs or E!'s 12-hour episode of "Would Paris Hilton Be Famous If We Stopped Airing These Fucking Shows Already?"
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