What is "coontailing," you ask? Well I'm glad you asked, you curious little potential coontailer, you! Coontailing is something I just made up a few minutes ago when I saw this old guy. I said to myself, "Self, this Urkel-shortin' son-a-ma-beach needs to be coontailed," not yet sure what that meant. Then I came up with it.Step One: Find an old coon-skin hat, preferably a fake one. We wouldn't want any actual raccoons being harmed in the making of this epic sport. Although I guess when the raccoon is already in hat-form, it's a tad bit late for that.
Step Two: Find a safety pin, or anything good for affixing one thing to another thing, with the former being a "coontail" and the latter being "pants" in this particular scenario.
Step Three: Sneak up on an old guy, and attach a raccoon tail to his pants, giving him the appearance that he is actually growing a tail (!) from his butt-ish region. (After seeing a certain scene in a movie called "The Hangover", I am no longer convinced that some old men actually have butts, but rather "butt-ish regions").
So many things can happen next. You can follow the old man at a safe distance (and mind-bogglingly snail-like pace) and simply enjoy the reaction of fellow street-walkers as they snicker, laugh, point, gasp and double-take their way into a better day. You can make bets with your friends as to how long it will take for the old man to realize that he's looking suspiciously like a casting-call reject for the box cover of Super Mario 3. You can wait for him to sit down somewhere and discover if he can tell the difference between a goddamn raccoon tail stuck to his ass and the usual diaper-load he's taken by lunchtime. And finally, you can approach him and ask if he wants to catch up with you when the sun goes down and scavenge for scraps at a local dumpster. You know...like a raccoon.
Is it mean? Maybe. Insulting? Surely. But entertaining? You bet your sweet butt-ish region it is. Coontail yourself an old man today, and thank me tomorrow.
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