The ransom note is a time-tested staple of the crime community. The criminal steals something or somebody, sits down Indian-style on the floor with safety-scissors, a bottle of Elmer's and some old copies of Good Housekeeping, and after a few short hours...BLAMMO, there is one gooey anonymous letter ready to scare the bejesus out of its recipient.But what about the victims? It seems like double-jeopardy. First they get their shit jacked, then they have to miss out on the fun of making a ransom note as well? Fuck that. Victims should stand up for themselves with what I like to call a "reverse-ransom note." What's that you say? You haven't had anything stolen from you, and thus don't feel like you can participate in this exercise? Bull honky. Just make something up that was stolen, then send it to somebody that has no clue what the hell is going on. Here's an example:
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Dear bag of douche,
I know you took my Baha Men CD. It may not seem like a big deal to you, and sure, I could easily find a copy at a used CD store. And it would probably be in that "free" box near the door. But it's the principle of things. You don't steal my shit, no matter how much you want to hear repetitive questioning of who let dogs out, or how much you feel the need to sing along to the "yippee-i-o" part. Give it back, or metaphorical "dogs" are going to be "let out" all over the place, and the consequences for you might not be quite as jovial as the happy tune you stole.
Love, Anonymous
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Keep in mind, if you're going to threaten someone in any way, you should probably make sure you mail your ransom note to someone you know personally who wouldn't want to turn you in to the cops. Threatening strangers can have jail-able consequences, and when you're in the slammer, guess what...no Baha Men for you in there. Just other men. Lots of them. Trying to fit into tight places without your consent. Proceed with caution.
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