K.I.T.T. your automobile.

Hoff not included. Except maybe on Thursdays. I think he's free on Thursdays.Imagine you're driving down the road in your car/truck/van/wagon/douchey-Hummer with your friend. There's a lull in the conversation, when all of the sudden, out of nowhere - A VOICE. It's soothing tone is unlike your passenger's, and surely not your own. Your passenger is freaking the fuck out, you're playing along as if you don't understand either. Your car speaks again (and in this hypothetical, your name happens to be Ryan)....

"Hello Ryan, would you like a soft pretzel?"

You respond, hesitantly: "Uhh...yea...sure, I would."

"Look under your seat, Ryan."

And HOLY SHIT, there's a soft pretzel under your seat.

There are all sorts of technologies out there that could probably yield the result of a talking car. Some could run you a pretty penny. But thanks to FM transmitters and mp3 players, you can record a whole shatload of audio clips in a sequence on your mp3 player, keep the player in your left hand out of view from your passenger, and flip through them to create the elusive "talking car" phenomenon. Messages should be recorded rather vague in many instances, since your passenger will likely want to ask your car questions. Assuming your passenger's name is Andy, how about some of these responses?

"Suck a dick, Andy."
"I did not understand what you just said, Andy. Maybe learn to enunciate your words better. You sure do suck at talking, which is a fairly easy skill to obtain. Also, you have a stupid face."
"Really, Andy? Really? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."
"Fuck that. Ryan, can you drop this guy off somewhere and pick up someone who doesn't make me want to puke up my lunch?"

But where, oh where, are you going to get the voice to say such things? Our friends at AT&T have a website for that. Personally, I like using the voice of "Mike" because he sounds a bit like Adam West, but give them all a shot. I have a feeling you might be wanting to bookmark this website...it's just plain fun.

http://public.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php

If you're reading this at work, be sure to let your co-workers hear what you really think about them. But do it in the voice of an old English dude. There's no way that will be detrimental to your office relationships. None at all.