Bananopoly!

"Can fake gorillas get very, very real digestive problems? We'll find out shortly."Bananas are cheap. You don't have to be a high-roller to buy a banana. You don't need to have a job to buy a banana. Hell, you probably don't even need to have money UPON ENTERING THE STORE to buy a banana. Reach into the coin returns of the vending machines, and you'll probably be able to find a couple of dimes. Boom. You've just found enough money for a banana. Catch my drift? These potassium-rich, dong-shaped snackables are damn near free.

Have you ever wondered how much it would cost to buy a LOT of bananas at the grocery store? Aim higher. How about ALL of the bananas? A complete monopoly of the banana supply. A bananopoly.

The next time you're bored, head down to Wal-Mart with a friend and grab two shopping carts. Head to the produce. Fill up both shopping carts with bananas. If some little old lady wants to buy some while you're filling your cart, GRAB THOSE BANANAS FROM HER (but kindly let her know to see you in about 10 minutes outside). At $0.45/lb, what's it going to set you back? You can get 200 POUNDS of bananas for $90. You'd be crazy NOT to go through with that kind of deal.

By now, you've began to create a buzz around Wal-Mart. "Hey, did you hear?...those two produce pirates are stockpiling all of nature's pocket-rockets and headed for the checkout line. What are they going to do next?!!!" Now comes the good part. With your newfound notority, and the help of a bullhorn, you've announced to everyone within earshot that there will be FREE BANANAS IN THE PARKING LOT! Go to your vehicle, fill your trunk up with bananas, turn your stereo speakers up full blast, and start playing some tejano music or something else that sounds ridiculously repetitive. If one of you has access to a gorilla suit like the picture above, you better be putting that thing on at this time. Start tossing people bananas, left and right, screaming at them through the bullhorn. "YOU WANT A BANANA? YOU GOT YOURSELF A BANANA! Have a kickass day with your FREE BANANA! You want two bananas? Sure, why the fuck not?! We've got 200 POUNDS of these things! Oh, you don't want one? Well too late, that fucker is already in the air, flying straight at your dome...you better catch it."

Think of all the people you'll meet. Think of the smiles. Think of the nutritional value. Half of the Wal-Mart patrons didn't know the store carried fruits, vegetables, or anything else not found on the same row as the Twinkees or Doritos. Are you single-handedly fighting obesity? You're damn right you are. And with two people splitting the bill, you both spent less than $50 on the deed. You can't even watch a friggin whale splash some piss-water on people at Sea World for less than $50. Totally a good investment, and totally a story worth telling for the rest of your life. Do it.

p.s. Forget tejano music...I found THE song to play, on repeat, as loud as possible: