Take a test drive.

9 out of 10 women preferred this over Mattress Flaccid.
You just got done with a stressful day at work. You'd go out, but you're exhausted. At the same time, you surely don't want to stay at home either. The happy medium between the two is, of course, Mattress Firm. "Oh but I could just go somewhere close to home with a few friends and relax, that would probably be a good compromise as well," you say. Nope, shut your cake hole, you're going to Mattress Firm.

You might need to stop off at gas station or grocery store and get correct change before heading out to the Firm. You'll bring: two $20 bills. You'll need: to keep one, and exchange the other for twenty $1 bills. The result: A fat stack of cash with a $20 on the outside, which can easily make a Mattress Firm employee believe the entire wad of cash consists of $20 bills. Consider this your license to test drive vehicles. These vehicles will feel an awful lot like queen-sized fluffy clouds.

Step 1: find a Mattress Firm. Any Mattress Firm. Chances are, there's one in your backyard by now. They're fucking everywhere. I've got five of them within 6 miles of me. Yes...five. I believe another is now operating out of a 3-bed/2-bath within my apartment complex.

Upon entering Mattress Firm, you'll likely be greeted by a lonely employee who has some serious questions about the path his or her life has taken. You'll want to wave your stack of cash out at this time and say you're looking to buy today. Yep, today. You're GOING TO MAKE A SALE, LONELY EMPLOYEE!! And...gotcha. It is at this point that you have your license to do whatever you please. You are now allowed to test out any bed, for any duration of time. You'll probably get the "do you have any more questions?" from the employee after a while, but you can look slightly perturbed and say "No...I just need a little time to test these out...leave me be, damn it, I'll ask you for help if I need it." OOOhhh, you just told that employee who's the boss. Is it Tony Danza? Hell no, it's YOU. So kick your shoes off. Take a nap. Take your pants off if you feel like it. Are they going to ask you and your money to leave? Maybe. Or maybe they let it slide. Maybe you ask them to spoon with you, and they want money badly enough and agree to join you. And maybe you're the big spoon. And maybe you have a candybar in your pocket. Yes, lonely Mattress Firm employee...I definitely AM happy to see you.