Halloween and Go Seek.

Does anyone NOT want to punch this guy in the Whoop-ass?Hide and seek is a classic for kids, but with some slight modifications, it's the kind of game that adults can say "yippee" to, assuming that adults said such things, which they generally don't. Simply get out your favorite obnoxious Halloween costume (and NO, the picture above should not even exist, but it does, and definitely qualifies as obnoxious). The Halloween costume you use needs to be quite noticeable, to the point where strangers will either say "What the fuck is wrong with that guy?" or in the case of many scandalous female Halloween costumes these days "Did I just see her vagina?" In either case, you want people to know that they saw you and remember it. If that takes a beaver shot, so be it.

Step One: Get in a car with a bunch of friends. Have them leave you, the costumed participant, in a highly populated area of stores/bars.

Step Two: Get moving! You've got to find a good hiding spot within a 5-block radius of where you were dropped off, and you have to do it within 10 minutes. It should probably be a store/bar. It probably should NOT be a back alley, especially if you're a lone female with her cooch hanging out of her costume - safety first, ladies.

Step Three: The remainder of friends park their car(s) and begin hunting. They can ask anyone and everyone "Have you seen my douchey friend with a whoop-ass costume, and if so, which direction did he go?" Ideally, enough "seekers" are participating to split up in pairs and scour the area. Set a time limit...for instance, the hider needs to be found within 30 minutes, or the seeker loses.

It's that simple. Put some money on it if you'd like. Add some flavor to it and make it a bar-hoping venture as well. Some of my ideas on this blog are poorly planned, but this one is feasible. You might even say I "opened up a can of whoop-ass" on this idea. But you better NOT fucking say that. Ever.

p.s. My deepest condolences to the model told to wear the whoop-ass costume above. I'm so sorry you had to do that, man. You probably showed up to the photo-shoot that day and thought, "Easy money, I do my cowboy, my indian, my doctor, my Dracula, and CHA-CHING, I'm rolling in dough...wait...no...oh sweet Jesus that can't be what I'm wearing...oh...fuck."

Duct tape yourself silly.

After the prom, his plans for sexing up his date were ruined when it took 18 minutes to get his pants off. She grew tired and went home.I was unaware how popular it is to make things out of duct tape. I knew about duct-tape wallets. I'd seen duct tape neck ties. But full tuxedos? Evening gowns? Automobiles? Apparently there are no creative limits when people get their hands on some quacktastic adhesives (and yes I know it's "duct" and not "duck", but guess what smartass, the tape WAS originally called "duck" tape because water rolled off it like water off a duck's back. Suck it.).

So what can you do with duct tape that has never been done before? Probably nothing. You're just not that clever. Duct tape iPod cover? Done. Duct tape diaper? Unfortunately, done. Duct tape sex toy? Come on, do you really think a lonely high schooler hasn't figured that one out yet? Some greasy teen has probably made an entire woman out of duct tape. I believe the punchline to this joke is that the tape is now sticky on both sides. Ba-dum-bum.

But that's the joy of duct tape...you can mimic someone else, and you're still within a fraction of a percentage of the population who's ever even considered making things with the duckie. Plagarize all you want...it's still well worth your time. I'm thinking about a duct tape hammock myself...and...a quick Google confirms it, I too am unoriginal: Duct Tape Hammock instructions.

Mock a Monkey.

Shut your mouth, monkey, or I'll shut it for you. Right after I feed you a treat and you grasp my finger like a baby. No, those aren't tears...fine, they are...you're just so goddamn adorable. Zoos are great places to spend roughly 45 minutes before you realize that all the cool animals are hiding in their shady spots, trying desperately to learn how to fill a prescription for Prozac. A quarter-mile radius surrounding the elephant pin smells like shit, the jaguars are scrunched up in corners (perhaps they're tired of being called cougars or panthers or mountain lions, but I looked it up and those fuckers are all the same animal really), and the gorilla has thrown all his feces at the field-trip children already and needs to eat some more food to reload his ammo. So walk yourself and 3-5 of your most animated friends down to the monkey cage and get the primates all riled up. In unison, start jumping up and down and making as much noise as possible. You may feel embarrassed, but don't be. I've seen you at the club. Your dancing is not much less embarassing than this. Parents will shake their heads and tell their children not to imitate you, ashamed that your generation somehow slipped through society's cracks without "manners" or "proper etiquette" or "a stick up your pooper". But you and your friends will soon either be A) at an all-out ear-shattering war with some irrate monkeys, or B) escorted out of the zoo. Either way, doesn't that beat ESPN 2's coverage of lumberjacks running on river logs or E!'s 12-hour episode of "Would Paris Hilton Be Famous If We Stopped Airing These Fucking Shows Already?"

Take a test drive.

9 out of 10 women preferred this over Mattress Flaccid.
You just got done with a stressful day at work. You'd go out, but you're exhausted. At the same time, you surely don't want to stay at home either. The happy medium between the two is, of course, Mattress Firm. "Oh but I could just go somewhere close to home with a few friends and relax, that would probably be a good compromise as well," you say. Nope, shut your cake hole, you're going to Mattress Firm.

You might need to stop off at gas station or grocery store and get correct change before heading out to the Firm. You'll bring: two $20 bills. You'll need: to keep one, and exchange the other for twenty $1 bills. The result: A fat stack of cash with a $20 on the outside, which can easily make a Mattress Firm employee believe the entire wad of cash consists of $20 bills. Consider this your license to test drive vehicles. These vehicles will feel an awful lot like queen-sized fluffy clouds.

Step 1: find a Mattress Firm. Any Mattress Firm. Chances are, there's one in your backyard by now. They're fucking everywhere. I've got five of them within 6 miles of me. Yes...five. I believe another is now operating out of a 3-bed/2-bath within my apartment complex.

Upon entering Mattress Firm, you'll likely be greeted by a lonely employee who has some serious questions about the path his or her life has taken. You'll want to wave your stack of cash out at this time and say you're looking to buy today. Yep, today. You're GOING TO MAKE A SALE, LONELY EMPLOYEE!! And...gotcha. It is at this point that you have your license to do whatever you please. You are now allowed to test out any bed, for any duration of time. You'll probably get the "do you have any more questions?" from the employee after a while, but you can look slightly perturbed and say "No...I just need a little time to test these out...leave me be, damn it, I'll ask you for help if I need it." OOOhhh, you just told that employee who's the boss. Is it Tony Danza? Hell no, it's YOU. So kick your shoes off. Take a nap. Take your pants off if you feel like it. Are they going to ask you and your money to leave? Maybe. Or maybe they let it slide. Maybe you ask them to spoon with you, and they want money badly enough and agree to join you. And maybe you're the big spoon. And maybe you have a candybar in your pocket. Yes, lonely Mattress Firm employee...I definitely AM happy to see you.

Quickies...

Realizing that writing a new blog entry every day is going to be a challenge, I'd like to introduce my first installment of my boredom-busting "Quickies". They're simply random ideas of things to do that I was too lazy too expand upon, or I just didn't know where the hell to go with them. If I get desperate, I may some day come back to these for full entries.

1. Dress up like Colonel Sanders, walk into KFC talking like Foghorn Leghorn exclaiming that "You, I say, you kids are fuckin' up my recipe."

2. Walk onto a bus, walk all the way to the person sitting furthest in the back, give them a high five, immediately exit the bus.

3. Plan an outdoor activity on a sunny day, wear tube socks up to your mid-upper arm and some headbands around your neck, giving yourself a reverse-farmer's tan.

4. Wear a cummerbund to the grocery store.

5. "Caddyshack" a public swimming pool with a Baby Ruth.

Anonymously woo the shit out of someone.

Baby momma AND baby daddy? Both? In other words, "Ashley, I'd like you to become a single parent...and possibly a hermaphrodite."You've seen way too many romantic comedies to think this is a bad idea. Grab a phone book and find someone's address. Then find someone else's address. Type up the most endearing and/or creepy love letter you can conjure up. Mail to person A, return address from person B. Done. If all goes as planned, just like in the movies, you'll begin a chain of love letters between two strangers who will meet at some point and make sweet, sweet babies. Make sure to write down the names for both of Cupid's victims here, because you'll certainly want to check up on them years later and see how it went.

Fresh out of ideas? I'll get you started.

"Hello there, sweet thang. I know you don't know me, but Jesus (and perhaps my landlord) knows that I know you. I'd love to meet you face to face, or my face to any of your body parts really. It doesn't have to be your face."

"Mrs. Anderson, I'm really hoping you're a Ms. by the time you get this. Sometimes words just aren't enough to describe how many illegal things I've done in the last day and a half. How do you feel about Mexico, and specifically, going there within the next 24 hours?"

"Hello my love! How come you never respond to any of my letters? This is the fifth one I've sent, but the first in which I didn't include $500 in cold hard cash. Maybe I was coming on too strong, throwing all that free money in your face like that. Don't worry, it will never happen again."

"Jerry, it's Carl from the party a few months ago. I know you were really drunk that night, but I just can't stop thinking about you after all that crazy stuff we did together. I hope it doesn't burn when you pee. Anywho...."

If those aren't the type of letters that will make people all over the world start a love train, I don't know what will. Seriously...I don't know what will.

Bananopoly!

"Can fake gorillas get very, very real digestive problems? We'll find out shortly."Bananas are cheap. You don't have to be a high-roller to buy a banana. You don't need to have a job to buy a banana. Hell, you probably don't even need to have money UPON ENTERING THE STORE to buy a banana. Reach into the coin returns of the vending machines, and you'll probably be able to find a couple of dimes. Boom. You've just found enough money for a banana. Catch my drift? These potassium-rich, dong-shaped snackables are damn near free.

Have you ever wondered how much it would cost to buy a LOT of bananas at the grocery store? Aim higher. How about ALL of the bananas? A complete monopoly of the banana supply. A bananopoly.

The next time you're bored, head down to Wal-Mart with a friend and grab two shopping carts. Head to the produce. Fill up both shopping carts with bananas. If some little old lady wants to buy some while you're filling your cart, GRAB THOSE BANANAS FROM HER (but kindly let her know to see you in about 10 minutes outside). At $0.45/lb, what's it going to set you back? You can get 200 POUNDS of bananas for $90. You'd be crazy NOT to go through with that kind of deal.

By now, you've began to create a buzz around Wal-Mart. "Hey, did you hear?...those two produce pirates are stockpiling all of nature's pocket-rockets and headed for the checkout line. What are they going to do next?!!!" Now comes the good part. With your newfound notority, and the help of a bullhorn, you've announced to everyone within earshot that there will be FREE BANANAS IN THE PARKING LOT! Go to your vehicle, fill your trunk up with bananas, turn your stereo speakers up full blast, and start playing some tejano music or something else that sounds ridiculously repetitive. If one of you has access to a gorilla suit like the picture above, you better be putting that thing on at this time. Start tossing people bananas, left and right, screaming at them through the bullhorn. "YOU WANT A BANANA? YOU GOT YOURSELF A BANANA! Have a kickass day with your FREE BANANA! You want two bananas? Sure, why the fuck not?! We've got 200 POUNDS of these things! Oh, you don't want one? Well too late, that fucker is already in the air, flying straight at your dome...you better catch it."

Think of all the people you'll meet. Think of the smiles. Think of the nutritional value. Half of the Wal-Mart patrons didn't know the store carried fruits, vegetables, or anything else not found on the same row as the Twinkees or Doritos. Are you single-handedly fighting obesity? You're damn right you are. And with two people splitting the bill, you both spent less than $50 on the deed. You can't even watch a friggin whale splash some piss-water on people at Sea World for less than $50. Totally a good investment, and totally a story worth telling for the rest of your life. Do it.

p.s. Forget tejano music...I found THE song to play, on repeat, as loud as possible: