Rent a billboard.

How many times have you seen lame billboards that only increase your already heightened level of road rage? I mean for Todd's sake, you're on a major highway and only one bar of reception? ONE BAR?! And that anus in the Subaru came within inches of taking a chunk out of your headlight, apparently because he didn't have a "stop being a prick" app on his iPhone. And on top of all this, you've got to sit there and take a shitty billboard telling you to watch the new season of Gossip Girl?

Fuck that. It's time to take action. Save several paychecks for the good of your fellow drivers. Sure, you hate every last one of them, but maybe you'd hate them less if you gave them something good to read on their commute, putting them in a better mood, thus making them more polite on the open road. It's all about karma. You need to buy some time on a billboard.

But what to put on a billboard? Well my answer, of course, will come in visual form. Here's what I've got.

Ah yes, the super creepy individualized billboard.


This works in two manners. First, it lightens the mood of average drivers who glance haphazardly, then a split-second later confirm: yes, that billboard seems to be geared entirely toward one person, and is just fucking creepy on top of that. The second way it works is by scaring the bejesus out of someone who happens to be named, in this instance, Sarah Keaton. I personally don't know any Sarah Keatons, but if you do, feel free to pass along my blog to her. I'll happily dedicate this post to her.

That idea, however, is small potatoes compared to my true-baller, mastermind idea: the billboard series! You'll be a legend of the billboard world, although you're going to need a lot of cash for this. But just imagine how awesome this would be. Picture yourself driving down a long boring road, maybe an hour in between towns, and a bunch of nothing. You won't be arriving at your destination for several more hours and you'd kill for something to peak your interest. Then you see this billboard:

Um..ok. I mean don't get me wrong, that's absolutely adorable, but...well who needs to advertise kittens? Who living amongst us has not been notified as to the availability of the product known as "kittens" before? Still, I'm curious...


Ohhh, it's one of those two-part billboard campaigns! Now I get it. Well, actually, I still don't get it. Again, very cute animals, but why in the world would someone pay money for them to be on a...


Now wait a minute, this is just getting ridiculous. That billboard is just a teaser for another billboard? And why does each billboard have the exact same trees behind it? (ANSWER: because I didn't feel like finding new stock photos for billboards to work with in Photoshop...shut your face)



You've got to be fuckin kidding me, baby ducks?! This is too damn adorable for its own good. I don't even care if I miss my exit, I've got to see what this is all about!



Heaven? Is this an advertisement for Heaven? It's starting to sound a lot like Heaven. I halfway expect there to be a gummi bear factory where you can make your own flavors.



FUCK ME, THEY DO! But they don't...



They fucking DOOOO let you make your own flavors of gummi bears! Holy shit-on-a-stick, they let you make your own gummi bear flavors! I simply can not believe this.



Well no, no you did NOT mention polar bear cubs, but at this point you're just showing off. My entire existence will be meaningless if I do not find this magical place.












I think I'm going to drive off this cliff now.

I hope you too can do wonderful things with billboards. Good luck!

Earn a nickname.

It's hard (pun intended) to make a blog entry on nicknames without bringing up (pun intended) "Boner" from TV's Growing Pains (no pun intended).
You watch your favorite TV shows and movies, and sure enough, at least one character has a nickname that everyone calls him/her instead of his/her legal name. Coincidentally, you've grown bored with your name. DING! It clicks in your head that YOU should have a nickname too!

But what should it be? And more importantly, how can you convince people to refer to you as such? Sure you could just tell your friends, "Hey, can you start calling me 'White Lightning' from now on?" I've got news for you: they're not going to start calling you "White Lightning." And for good reason. Not only is that a ridiculous nickname, but it's one you gave yourself. That's just bad business. Nicknames need to originate from the mouth of someone other than yourself. Nicknames need to be EARNED.

So how do you earn a nickname? Well, more often than not, it comes from a behavioral pattern or sustained trait. Are you always short? Wear a lot of blue clothing? Don't look now, but you're at risk of earning "Smurf" or "Smurfette" as a nickname. Do you have pointy head? You might be called "Conehead" or "Coney" for short. Maybe you drink out of the toilet a lot? Then I shall call you John.

Here are some examples of nicknames you may desire, and ways to earn them.

1. Chief: Start wearing THIS JACKET everywhere you go, and I can almost guarantee you'll earn Chief within the first 30 days.

2. Dingo: This one's challenging. Short of having a pet dingo, it could be tough. My suggestion would be to order "the dingo" whenever you're at a bar (or make your own, see video) and be sure to announce to everyone, "Hey look at me, I'm having me a dingo again! Gotta love that dingo!!!" Slide the word "dingo" into conversation subliminally, like whenever you would normally say "Bingo" or "where did Dean go?" If all else fails, just get the pet dingo...I looked them up, and while they're not completely domesticated, they apparently can be rather good pets if properly trained from puppyhood.

3. Pow: I honestly doubt you'd want this nickname, but if you did, I'd suggest saying "POW" a lot in everyday conversation. I really just wanted an excuse to play this video:

Learn-A-Skill Friday!

Friday is the day that most of the world celebrates two days of upcoming vacation from the money-grubbing prisons that hold them hostage for the other 5 days a week. It's also the day when office workers notoriously work the least, especially toward the end of the day. Why not put your time to good use and learn a skill? Or at least watch some videos that will give you the inspiration needed to learn a skill on your own time.

Or NEVER EVER EVER try to learn these particular skills on your own after watching these. Sometimes I like to inspire you not to break your collarbone. You're welcome.

1. Don't learn a back-flip. And when you try and try and still haven't mastered it, don't get cocky and push aside the protective mat that separates your fragile bones from the unforgiving floor. Also, you're not Jackie Chan and you can't run up a wall and do a back-flip off that either. Don't try to learn that skill today.


2. Don't show off at a bowling alley. There are plenty of ways to knock down ten pins. You probably don't need to tear a bunch of your tendons with a giant backswing. And what the heck, you also probably don't need to pretend you're holding a demolition ball and take a chunk out of the ceiling. But hey, maybe that's a hit with the ladies.


3. DON'T SHOW OFF AT A FUCKING BOWLING ALLEY! I just friggin told you that. Don't learn how to juggle in the first place, but if you're going to, don't do it at a with objects that could end the life of a small child. Get ready to gasp.


4. Ok I think we're good with the...FUCK, will you cut it off with the goddamn bowling alley?! But this montage features the absolute best high-five mishap I've ever seen, so that makes me feel a tad bit better.


5. If you're going to play golf, don't get a mental block against hitting a golf ball. Especially if you're one of the world's more recognizable athletes. Poor Chuck.


6. Actually, don't play miniature golf either. And don't ride bikes.


Damn it, just don't learn any skills this weekend.

Reminisce with the shitty music you listened to in your youth.

This whole blog started as a rather ridiculous "things to do when you're bored" blog, and I'll be honest - I've led you all astray many times. Today, however, I'm going to lead by example with a rather practical use of your time. It's a memory exercise regarding all the music that led you into the person you are today. Seriously, be honest with yourself. It might sting a bit. I can guide you on some key steps in my personal musical journey, and hopefully I'll embarrass myself enough that you'll feel comfortable doing it to yourself.

1. Neil Diamond

I'm actually quite proud that my first memory of music, circa age 3 or 4, is of Neil Diamond's Hot August Night album. Specifically, I recall banging on a Fisher Price drum to "Cherry, Cherry." Listen and tell me that's not at least slightly cooler than growing up to a fucking purple dinosaur.
Click Here to listen to the whole damn album on Myspace, surprisingly enough.


1b. Teddy Ruxpin - I listened to a shitload of Teddy Ruxpin cassettes. Fine, I'm no better than the purple dinosaur reference. Guilty.


2. Restless Heart

I grew up in a country music household, and I rebelled by getting albums from Restless Heart around age 6. These dudes are fairly cheesy "country" pop. Twenty-one years later, I'm seeing the music video for one of their songs for the very first time. Awesomely cornball.


3. Debbie Gibson

What the fuck? I listened to Debbie Gibson! I had completely blocked this one out of my mind until randomly flipping through Vh1 last weekend and seeing Debbie talking about some other 80s artist. It all came rushing back to me, and I remembered that I had one (AND ONLY ONE) Debbie Gibson song...on a cassette SINGLE. It was this song...fucking embarrassing. But slightly better with comedians making fun of it.


4. Garth Brooks

Hopping right back into the "bad boys" of country music phase, I became a huge fan of the man who sang the least number of songs about pickup trucks, yet the highest number of songs referencing rodeos. Go figure. But for its time, when this song came out it certainly was a far cry from the rest of the country music genre I had to choose from. In fact, I'll actually blame Garth for the pop-music industry that "country" is today. By the way, I think my favorite part of this video is where Garth and his poor band is playing out in the middle of a thunderstorm (mics and amps LOVE rain water, in case you were wondering), and then magically at the end of the video, presumably in the same thunderstorm he just was playing music in, Garth shows up with a fresh change of clothes and a different cowboy hat. Shazaam!

garth brooks "the thunder rolls" @ Yahoo! Video


5. Counting Crows

"Mr. Jones" and "Rain King" altered my musical path greatly when I first heard them in 5th grade.


6. Boyz II Men

Why on Earth did they spell their name like that? Why did the dude with the deep voice always have to talk during songs? Who fucking cares? They gave us "End of the Road" and "I'll Make Love To You" and "Water Runs Dry" and...every other song you slow danced to for the better part of the decade. Unfortunately, the bastards at Universal disabled embedding their videos, so you're on your own to look them up.

...AND then I got into middle school and high school and all hell broke loose. I jacked friends' CDs and recorded them onto cassettes. Then I stumbled upon the internet. End of story.

Get addicted to drugs.

Just kidding, don't get addicted to drugs. It's just a bad road, man. But don't take my word for it. Check out these cats. Seriously, fucking check out these cats!



INSANE! The way those kitties are affected just by the smell of the damn plants makes me think maybe there is something to the whole aromatic aphrodisiac idea. Is there going to be catnip in my pocket on my next date? Maybe...

Having watched the video twice now, and seen many-a-feline reminiscent to the several my family had back in my early years, I decided to create a fictitious conversation between the cats, giving them the names of some of my aforementioned house/yard pets. You might want to open the video in a new window and read along with the sound turned off.

Scamper: "This camera intrigues me...no, wait... now I'm bored with it. Let me just mosey on over to those weird broken fountains and where the fuck did all these other cats come from!"

All: "HEYYYY Scamper, what's going on!"

Scamper: "Uh...nothing...why are you all here?"

(Jaguar-looking cat named Bo walks in stealthily)
Bo: "Sup dipshits...why am I subconsciously drawn to this area even though all you losers are already here?"

Oscar: (sniffs flowers) "This is gonna be a good trip, mannnn!"

Sam: (walks down pillar) "Wait...why did I walk down here again?"

Katzy: (on top of ledge) "I'm FREAKING OUT!!!"

Charlie: "I loooooove this camera...but I am le tired."

Blue: "I don't see what everyone is getting out of this flower...woah, it's kicking in now...YUCK YUCK YUCKIE."

Fluffy: "I wish this plant could rub me in my special place."

Unkempt, homeless cat: "I am sooooo fucked up right now."

All: "When does the orgy start?"

Samantha: "I'm definitely not high enough for an orgy with these ugly dudes."

My (yes, I had a cat named My): (bitch-slaps Sam) "What did I tell you about touching my stash?"

Various cats: "Oh it's on now...I'm gonna slap this cat" and "Now I'm gonna jump after this cat" and "WHEEEEEE!!!!"

Baby: "Nobody puts me in the corner! But my mouth is inexplicably foaming. I should probably stay over here in the corner for a while longer. I think I'm going to be sick. Yep. I'm sick. Where's the goddamn Tylenol?"

Sam: "I got ants in my pants and I need to dance!!!"

Various cats: "My fur feels funny" and "I'm floating" and "I see Jesus and he looks like one of the Thundercats!"


Thankfully, the video shut off before the orgy scene, which resulted in Bob Barker having a nervous breakdown due to all the unwanted cat pregnancies. But don't worry, Bob recovered to a life of pumping young men. BONUS VIDEO FUN!!! Enjoy.

Find a Disney-character-named person.

No, no...I said has a Disney-character NAME. Not just a dude who looks like an idiot.
Objective: In a public place, find someone with the same name as a Disney afternoon cartoon character.

If you're like me, you grew up with Disney cartoons after school. If you're a little older, your line-up may have included Gummi Bears, DuckTales, Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers, and TaleSpin. If you're slightly younger, your afternoon might have held Darkwing Duck, Goof Troop, and some weird little fucker named Bonkers. Or maybe you flipped the station and watched Tiny Toon Adventures and Animaniacs instead, but we're just sticking to the Disney lineup for this post, so shut up with your Pinky & the Brain references. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go to a large store and find someone who has the same name as one of these characters.

Now you may be wondering what the best method for doing this would be. While anything you think up is perfectly acceptable, my idea consists of dressing up like you're running some sort of promotional contest, whether that be in Disney shirt and hat or some third-party company. Make an announcement that the first person who can prove that their name is Launchpad McQuack wins a prize. Now obviously, you'll have to be standing there for quite a while before someone stops by with the legal name of Launchpad McQuack. So I've devised a list of character names within the following categories (best guess of animal type in parentheses) that you can use depending on which difficulty level you desire:

Quite common, boring names that aren't anything to call home about:
Chip (chipmunk), Dale (squirrel), Rebecca (bear), Molly (bear), Louie (duck), Max (Goofy's son...some type of dog maybe?)

Some more challenging names:
Dewey (duck), Huey (duck), Drake (duck, specifically a mallard)

The names that will be more fun to scream out inside of a store:
Baloo (bear), Gusto (bear, gummi), Bonkers (bobcat), Monterey Jack (Australian mouse) Fat Cat (a fat cat), Honker Muddlefoot (duck). Yes, Wikipedia aided me greatly for this blog entry.

So what happens when you actually find someone with one of these names? Well in my plan, you're doing this inside of Wal-Mart, so you give them a prize. Maybe just hand them a bag of peanuts or something off one of the shelves. I'm not exactly sure who gets credit for shoplifting if they eat the bag of peanuts thinking they were already paid for. If I've got any lawyers reading the blog, please leave the answer to this in the comments section so we all can benefit from your ridiculously-expensive-hourly-waged knowledge.

Now take a nostalgia break with some theme songs, which is really the basis for why I decided to write this blog anyway. I had the gosh darn DuckTales song stuck in my head.

Heavily promote something.

When you're a celebrity, you get paid money just to use a product. You get the product for FREE, then you get extra money to use it. I'm no celebrity, but I'd like to be included in this deal, please. I've thought long and hard about this, and the one thing in life that I may never get tired of...the ONE single thing that I'd want to promote for as long as I live if it scored me free product is...drumroll please...

Jamba Juice! No, I need to use all caps for that. JAMBA JUICE! M-F-ing JAMBA JUICE (bolded and italicized for emphasis). Kind folks at Jamba Juice, please hook me up with free smoothies. What more do I need to do to prove my love for you? How about this referral? Attention readers of my blog: If you happen to live in North Austin, stop by the Arboretum Jamba location and ask for the Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. Yes, that's right, I love Jamba so much that I've got my own flavor (note: I didn't actually name it, I just got tired of giving the ingredient instructions so one night a dude there suggested the name, and I approved...it's written in a little spiral notebook behind the counter). The Chuck Norris consists of strawberries, blueberries, peaches, pomegranate juice, orange juice and lemon juice. It tastes like you're getting kicked in the mouth with a foot made out of SweetTarts. It's been known to cure the common cold. I currently don't have cancer, so I'm fairly certain it has prevented that as well.

Upper management of Jamba Juice, I beg of you: please let me know what I, your humble servant, can do to help promote your stores and your delicious, delicious smoothies, and in return receive a lifetime supply of free delicious (did I mention delicious?) smoothies. Want me to wear a Jamba tshirt? Maybe an embroidered beanie? Drop me a line and I'll be happy to make arrangements to be a walking billboard. I've already taken it upon myself to produce these images in honor of your company.

I'm sorry, dear. My heart is already committed to my one true love. I'm not sure how gravity isn't spilling orange smoothie all over my face right now. Also of note, you wearing white is laughable.


Chasing Jamba off a cliff and into the mouth of a hungry shark...maybe a bit much. But I bet if that dude shares his Jamba with the shark, his life will be spared. Why? Cause sharks think Jamba is tastier than HUMAN FLESH!!!! I concur.


Hey there, adorable little kitten! Look at you, jumping up in the air like a person would. You're just tooooooo cute. So very cute. But listen up...stay the fuck away from my Jamba.

But everyone else...do NOT stay the fuck away from Jamba Juice. Find a location nearest you, and try one of their many delicious flavors, including Blackberry Bliss for a limited time only!

Can I have some free smoothies now?

Make some signs.

I've got some vacation time coming up, so although this is going to be my last blog entry for the week (somber news to maybe 3 people), I wanted to provide a motivational parting shot. So here goes. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE! WITH SIGNS!

Or maybe you can't, what do I know? But go make some signs anyway, and prance around with them like these fine folks.

They were protesting against California Proposition 13, which was also known as the "People's Initiative to Limit Property Taxation." Unfortunately, most Hulk Hogan fans are partially illiterate, and these people thought Prop 13 had something to do with forcing Hulkamania to shave off his handlebars. Prop 13 took place in 1978, but this gentleman wanted to grow handlebars of his own and have them turn white before he voiced his concern.


Honestly really is the best policy, so rather than having to guess "Where's that cheese smell coming from...and is that dude wearing a shower curtain?", this Dead-head has decided to remove most of your curiosity via the oversized written word.


The real joke is that about 40 yards to the right of this picture, there is a cross-walk. And it's one of those really, really pedestrian-friendly cross-walks that let 4 cars go through and then a mob of people get to walk for about a full 2 minutes.


To complete the oddball trio, the old lady who took this picture was holding a sign that said, "Frosted Flakes are GRRRREAT!"


She couldn't bring herself to verbalize what everyone at the office was feeling, but she too knew she was doing a really shitty job at work.

Create your own Olympic sport.

I'm not sure when they take place, but I think I found the logo for the Bondage Olympics.The years of intense training. The hours of endless driving to and from practice. The lifetime of jumping on hotel beds. Because yes...that's become an Olympic sport. Trampoline jumping can get you a medal in the Olympics. It probably won't get you a hefty endorsement contract from Nike, but maybe you can melt down the gold medal and sell it, assuming it's made out of actual gold, which I'm not entirely sure of.

If some backyard junkies can get trampoline jumping added to the roster, it seems to me that you can probably work your way to making just about anything an Olympic sport if you get enough people participating in it. The Winter Olympics' Biathlon is simply a bunch of people skiing, then stopping every once in a while to shoot a rifle. If that sounds lame, it should. But it should also open up some doors for you. You can COMBINE sports to make a new sport!

As usual, I offer up my own ideas as inspiration for your own.

• 400-meter Texting. All athletes get into their starting blocks with their choice of text-enabled cell phone. They are all given the message that they need to type and send to the judges before they complete one lap. The first person who cross the finish line wins, provided they did not make any errors in the message. No penalties, however, will be given to particpants running out of their designated lanes, as this will likely occur, leading to collisions and downright hilarity. This can be the comic relief portion of the otherwise dramatic final week in the Summer Olympics.
• Downhill Sumo. Basically, this would simply be a bunch of 300+ lb dudes running down a hill, tripping, and rolling the rest of the way down the hill.
• 100-meter Leapfrog. This one's super-simple: 2 people playing leapfrog as quickly as possible, racing against other pairs. Honestly...how is this NOT already an Olympic sport? We have 2-person events like fucking synchronized DIVING, but we don't have leapfrog?
• Food drop and catch (I don't have a good name for this yet). You grab a cheeseball and throw it as high as possible into the air. The person who throws it the highest AND can still catch it in their mouth will be standing on the podium at the end of the day. Medics are on hand ready to perform the Heimlich maneuver. Stray dogs are on hand to eat anything that falls to the ground.

Right about here I was going to make a joke about how the hip-hop community has given new meaning to the current Olympic event "skeet shooting", but I think I'll take the high road and not discuss it any further. It would have been a load of fun though. Get it? Ok, seriously I'm done.

Name your own band, poorly.

"Matchbox 1 thru 19 is going to be PISSED."
"You there, with the relatively solid band. That sound you're playing...you know, it's got a little something to it. I'm actually alright with it. I'm still in the room listening to it, so that's a good sign. Usually I'd just leave, you know, I'd just stand up and leave. Maybe even give you the middle gun salute. But no...you're alright. What do you fellas call yourself?"

"Red Plus Blue Equals Me Plus You."

"Ffffffuck you're dumb. I'm outta here."

Band names are not just something you use for people to properly identify you. They're a brand name, a status symbol, and something that can make or break your musical success. I don't care how great your Christian rock band is, if you call yourself The Abortions, you're probably doomed. If your music isn't made for teens, don't name your band something 17 words long that references to an obscure Family Guy quote (although I can't dispute that "Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first" wouldn't be a band name I'd root for).

So for today, I'd like anyone with or without a band to consider coming up with a band name. You never know when it's going to come in handy. If you need some pointers, here are forumlas I've devised for coming up with a band name.

1. Think of a place. And...you're done. There's your band name. Chicago, Boston, Kansas, Alabama, Asia, Europe, America all did this. But why stop at geographical locations? How about just wherever the heck you are at this very moment. Airport, Public Library, Best Buy Display Model PC, Dining Room, Wifi Hotspot, Amature Hot Dog Eating Championship. All solid band names, depending very much on how you definine "solid."
2. The _______. Fill in the blank. And...you're done. Seriously, any word(s). The Boobs. The Culinary Institute. The Target Clearance Rack. The Omega-3 Fatty Acids.
3. _____-ing ______(s). Fill in the blanks. And...you're done. Stopping Tamales. Burning Spandex. Lighting Crabcakes.
4. Anything that pops into head. Literally anything: Formula One A-Holes. Taco Strippers. Robot Armpits. The Beached Whale Sympohony. Billy Jean WAS My Lover. Straight Arms To Punch You. The Prickly Ticklefighters. Bombs-n-Sharks. Little Boy Blue Ate Glue. The Thieving Little Hooligans on 51st Street That Stole My Bicycle. Bollywollypollymolly. The $1.99 Chicken Fajitas. Benja Was A Good Dog. Jewel Case Shatterers. Dudeyousuck. Abolitionist Diaper Change. Boxcar STDs. Upsidedown Penguin. Barnyard Arrtard. Why Is My Toothbrush Brown? The Incredible Alex and His Fine Feathered Friends. Microphone Better Not Fuck Up Tonight. Linus' Blanket Surprise. Cheetah Outrunners. Stress-Related Party-Poopers. Nineteen Shades of Garbage Cans. Harry Loves Your Richard. Times Are Subject to KICK ASS. Lime Is Tired Of Losing To Lemon. The Beautiful Blue Bowties. Wunderbears In Germany.

Ok, I think my work is done here.

Immortalize your favorite celebrities, poorly.

I was unaware someone could make Bob Barker look even older than he is...but consider me aware now.So you're thinking about making a life-altering decision and jamming some inked-up needles into your body, eh? Well before you make that plunge, hop online and pick out some temporary tattoo paper for a standard ink-jet printer. You can get a taste for what the tattoo will look like when the real deal has bloodied up your now-toned but soon-to-be-flabby bicep. And since, by some crazy scheme to turn a profit, the paper comes in packages containing more than just one sheet of the stuff, you're going to have enough paper for several experimental tattoos, all of which can and should be used for very ridiculous purposes.

I figured I'd take a moment to scour the net for my favorite of the ridiculous, no-foresight-whatsoever tattoos: the celebrity headshot. Unless the celebrity is a blood relative of yours, there's a good chance he/she will embark on a terrible downward spiral in his/her career, likely inflicting shame on all of those who decided their lives wouldn't be complete unless they captured the iconic image of some complete stranger they worshiped for a couple years during college.

Here are my picks of the litter (and you can decide if I'm using the term "litter" as in a group of newborn puppies or garbage on the side of the road):

Once the boss, always the boss, although personally I would have gotten the picture of him sliding into home plate like in the opening credits.

Yes, that's Tay Zonday. Anybody? Anybody? The "Chocolate Rain" guy. Yeah. I know.


"Alex, I'll take 'Scott Baio as a black guy' for $400 please."


Oh, sure it SAYS 'Clay Aiken', but we all know it's just a hybrid image of Clay, Thom Yorke, Dana Carvey and that weird artsy kid on 'Wedding Crashers.'

I'm actually a little jealous of this one.


Interesting placement...I have a feeling that on any given night, Willy Wonka appears to be giving this dude a BJ.

Baconize everything.

"Sorry Kevin...you look delicious, but we're still going to give the part to someone who can...well...act better than you."The most delicious of the salty meats in the world (if you feel like calling a slab of mostly fat "meat"), is hands down, shut-the-fudge-up-if-you-say-anything-else, no contest, BACON. And little to my knowledge, there is a term already in existence to describe the action of covering other foods in bacon to make them taste better. It is "baconize." You know how I learned this? I Googled the word "baconize," follishly thinking I was being original. Urban Dictionary already has it registered as:

1. baconize
   (v.) To add bacon to anything, such as a Snickers, therefore making it delicious.
   Sure, this is good pie, but lets BACONIZE it!
2. baconize
   (verb) any of many industrial methods for infusing a substance with bacon
   I baconized the mayonnaise for a rich, smoky flavor.
3. Baconize
   The act of owning someone or something using large amounts of heat, fire, grease, or all of the above.
   I fell onto the stove, got totally baconized.

I'm not sure about #3, which sounds more like the definition for "disfigurement" than "baconization", but it appears suggest that the next time one of my friends slaps their forehead down on a grill and severely burns part of their face off, I'll should be sure to exclaim "Woah dude, you totally got baconized!" That seems like the appropriate comment, what with all the heat, fire, grease and blood everywhere. Thanks for that one, Urban Dictionary.

Back to the true topic at hand, UD.com's #1 and #2 definitions hit the target much more precisely. Take an otherwise unedible item like a...Snickers (wtf?) and wrap that in bacon. Boomtown. You've got a delicious treat. Take long strips of bacon and wrap them over, around and through a Krispy Kreme Original. Sweet Georgia Brown! Now you're talking! Milkshake not cutting it? Throw some bacon in the blender, and you've got 2 parts cow, 1 part pig, and 14 parts of fanfuckingtastic! I call it the shake-n-bacon.

But why stop there? Having trouble with the ladies? Put some bacon in your briefs. Yes I'm happy to see you, and yes there is a stash of bacon located somewhere on me. I dare you to discover what I wrapped it around.

Are you going to a petting zoo? Make all the poor little kids jealous of you.

Sad 6-year-old: "Mommy, why won't the animals come to me? Why are they ALL sniffing around on that creepy guy with greasy hands?"

Irritated mother: "Well sweetie, that man appears to have mass quantities of bacon stuffed in every last one of his pockets, probably because his parents didn't raise him properly."

YOU COULD BE THAT IMPROPERLY RAISED CHILD! Just baconize everything.

Walk a rodent. Or don't.

I think he's picked up the scent...'bout to bust a big drug ring...oh, nevermind, he's eating poop.Yes, go ahead and walk a rodent. Or a pet raccoon. Maybe an aardvark? Any animal that isn't supposed to be walked, you should walk. So don't walk a dog. That's what they'd EXPECT you to walk. Oh what about a cat? Most people don't walk cats. Yeah, but most people don't lick themselves until they puke up their own hair. You know who does? Cats. Don't walk cats, don't walk dogs, don't walk iguanas. They'll lick your ankle, it will tickle, and you'll probably trip and fall, smushing your pet iguana to death. Sure it was his fault, but that's just a tragic way to go, and you don't want it on your conscience. Maybe a deer? Oh hells no! Don't walk a deer. Deer try to kill cute defenseless puppies. Seriously. Fuck deer.



Crazy video right? Poor little puppy, out exploring the world, almost gets hoof-scootin' boogied to death. So let's see...don't walk dogs, cats, iguanas, deer...actually don't walk rodents either because obviously that's been done, and judging by the picture above, that little guy was about to freak the fuck out after discovering he was no longer running on a wheel. Don't walk a bunny, cause by the time you get home that sex-crazed little monster will probably have 25 illegitimate children running around the neighborhood. You know what, fuck it. Just walk a dog. This dog:

Life really is simple when you have an armor-plated puppy in your life. Just walk him and enjoy yourself. Cheers, tiny warrior.

Text a fat guy.

Coldplay's motivation for their first big hit, "Yellow."
Today, having completed 4 full weeks of "things to do" blogs, I realize that I'm exhausting the topic to its extreme. I panicked, wondering what to talk about. Then I saw this picture. So many questions immediately flooded my thought-box. First of all, where the fuck are these people? Is this the social event of the season at a shitty country club, complete with fake grass and an enormous green trash bin at every table just in case the KFC and boxed wine don't go down so smoothly? Did the dress code portion of the invitation say "casual and/or yellow", with additional information including "please bring the oldest piece of luggage you can find?" I'd love to be the guy that doesn't resort to poking fun of a fat guy and his poorly performing pants, but I'm not that guy. Plus, I'm unable to believe that this fellow is unaware of his pants situation. If there is a breeze, he'll feel it. If there's anyone behind him (obviously there was someone with a camera), he'll hear them snickering. If his gut isn't blocking the view of his left leg 100%, he'll notice his pants ripping to their very limits. But above all of this, I think I'm most curious about the cell phone texting situation going on. I think there are several valid choices for conversations that could be occurring. Here's one of them.

Guy: Hey, Ma, it's me.
Mom: How is the party, Lenny?
Guy: Not so great. Remember how I thought spandex was a good idea? Well it's not. Apparently stretchy pants can only stretch so far.
Mom: Is your ass hanging out again?
Guy: Full moon.
Mom: How about the all-yellow suit, complete with matching baggy hat? Was it a big hit?
Guy: 3 people have already asked me if I drive a taxi.
Mom: Well that's no good. Has anyone tried to steal your briefcase this time?
Guy: No, I haven't left it for a second. But it's a lot more difficult to mingle at the party knowing that all my money is left on a table. I'm starting to re-think my plan of converting all my currency to bars of gold and never open a bank account.
Mom: It probably is time to open that account, Lenny. Did you at least remember to shave before you left?
Guy: I knew I was forgetting something! Now all those comments referring to me as lumberjack, fat ZZ Top, and Bill Walton make more sense!
Mom: LOL
Guy: Shut up, Mom!
Mom: Sorry. Try to have a good time, dear. And whatever you do, make sure that there isn't someone behind you with a camera. I'd hate to see your fat ass on the internet tomorrow.
Guy: Awww....FUCK!

Birthday free shit.

You know what, kid? It's your birthday. Go ahead and stare.
Do you have an email address? Do you have a birthday? Well guess what, bucko, you could be scoring free shit on your birthday! Not until recently did I realize how much free or semi-free stuff I could obtain on my birthday just for signing up my designated junk email address on company mailing lists. Baskin Robbins, Cold Stone Creamery and Dairy Queen are all hooking me up with ice cream. Red Robin and Ryan's are hooking me up with food (though seeing the documentary Food, Inc. has made me much less excited about these deals). Heck, even Smoothie King is offering me a free smoothie full of protein and pec-juicing 'roids or whatever they hell they use in their blenders. Everyone's been really nice and generous with their coupons. But somehow, I get the impression that Starbucks really doesn't give a shit about my birthday:

Have a happy birthday, fellow July 3rd-ians. And stay the fuck away from Starbucks.

Name your crayons.

What sort of unholy macaroni and/or cheese turns the color of a terror alert?
Yep, with your spare time, you can name your crayons. Read some of the craptacular names out there right now; then you can start making up your own in hopes that the ad wizards at Crayola might take favorably to your suggestions. Somewhat like I just did...

One-man dance revolution.

Watch this.


Ok seriously, did you watch it? Make sure you watched it up until at least the 1:15 mark, when all hell breaks loose. For the life of me, I can't comprehend how that snowballed. I mean, I know people are sheep and will follow what other people are doing blindly...but was the one man dancing giving out samples of whatever amazingly powerful dance-drug he was on? Is that what caused the bum-rush?

I think this is the most motivational non-Tony Robbins ("Banana Hands" from Shallow Hal) video ever made. It clearly shows the power of one. One man can climb a mountain. One man can blow up that mountain with the right explosives. One man can do a lot of good and bad shit with his time. I'd like to quickly point out that I'm not sexist, it's just easier to use the cliche "man" than be politically correct all of the time. In fact, ladies are even more powerful to be honest. It took over a full minute to get more than one person to dance with senor squirmy-pants in that video! If that was a scantily clad female, I'm calling 15 seconds max.

Regardless of gender, use your power of one, make a difference in the world, and dance your fucking dance all over the side of your metaphorical grassy hill until the whole place is jumping like House Party, or possibly House Party 2.

And see this movie: Food, Inc.

Wear a disguise in public.

"I'm not sure why you're trying to get a second cup of free water sir, but the disguise is unnecessary. Because the water, like I just mentioned, is free and all."Why wear a disguise in public? Why NOT wear a disguise in public? Think about how you'd react if you saw someone wearing a fake Burt Reynolds 'stache with a weird dreadlock wig and some Super Mario suspenders. Would it be the highlight of your day? I guess that depends on how shitty your day was, but it at least has potential to be the first thing you tell to someone else when they ask you about your day:

"I was just walking down the street, minding my biz, and all of the sudden I glance left to see Super Burt Marley shakin' his junk, sarbling all up and down the street! And I think he was eating some old mac n' cheese with his bare hands. It was weird." (see last post for made up definition of "sarble")

Something tells me you have an eye-patch in your bedroom. Not sure why. But I think you do. Wear it tomorrow. Wear it with some overalls and a Raggedy Andy red wig. I see good things in your future.*

*good things may or may not include a day full of people pointing and/or laughing at your expense

Oh, and don't duct-tape your fucking face. Why, Sweet Sassy Molassey, WHY would you ever think this is a good idea?


So in recapping, once again:
-Wear a diguise.
-Don't duct-tape your fucking face.

Good day everyone.

Coin a phrase.

I was considering creating the term "Peanut Formalwear" to use when I see someone stylishly dressed in top-hat and monocle, but for the life of me I can't decide if that phrase should only be used when the person is also not wearing any pants.I doubt you can go a day in your life without hearing a phrase or term that, upon further examination, doesn't really make a lot of sense. Heck, even though all words were at one point made up out of thin air, some that we take for granted came much, much later than others. I just learned that the word "laser" is actually an acronym for "light amplification by the stimulated emission of radiation." How on earth the acronym for that mouthful of words ended up sounding as kickass as the word "laser" is just pure luck.

Today, as an exercise in creativity (and a plea from me to you to use your time on something other than the many godawful quizzes on Facebook), it's time to develop a word, phrase or term. Ready? Go.

Oh, right, you haven't been creative since you made that video presentation for your 11th grade world history project. You're probably a little rusty. Here are some quick examples to get you started. For all of these, I decided to get the assistance of the animal community.

• "Ostrich holiday": A day off from work or school when you don't do shit, but simply bury your head in the ground and pretend you don't have to go to work or school the next day, aka a rather poor use for a holiday.
  
• "Ride moose" (wink!): Poor execution or misuse of a perfectly advantageous situation, kind of like trying to ride a moose, which is not quite the best use of such an unpredictable beast, i.e. "That kid was given every opportunity to succeed, but instead he decided to ride moose for 4 years of college with no degree to show for it, and now he works at McDonald's and smells like french fries. Why the hell does he always smell like french fries, even on days when he doesn't work? What's up with that guy?"
  
• "Frog-n-toad": A term to describe friendship, in an effort to replace the term "BFF" which drives me fucking insane, i.e. "Jill and I are frog-n-toad." It can also be used to downgrade a perceived romatic relationship, i.e. "No we're not dating, we're just frog-n-toad." It's derived from some books I read as a child. And yes it would sound even more annoying that "BFF," but I'm ok with it because I created it.
  
• "Beaverly": Someone who is resourceful and hard working, like a beaver making a damn out of whatever supplies it can find. Or potentially, "beaverly" could be used in the context of "You're looking rather beaverly today", aka "You've dressed in a manner that allows me to see that you haven't shaved your pubes in a while."

And that's just some quick ideas based on animals. You are not limited to that whatsoever. It can be a completely made-up word like "sarble" which I'm going to say means "to walk awkwardly due to your undies riding up your crack." It can be an acronym like "WAYALAD" (Why Are You Acting Like A Douchebag?). Or it can be a phrase like "bringing donkeys to a horse party." I imagine that's when you bring a slightly inbred family member to a high-class social event and they decide to piss off the balcony into the swimming pool below. Although I guess I reverted back to an animal reference on that one.

Once you've developed your own word or phrase, make sure to start using it in conversation around your friends, family, co-workers, and complete strangers in public. When they look confused, explain what your word or phrase means, but give a really arrogant look to them like "Seriously...you've never heard that before? What rock do you live under?" Your confidence in using your term is key to making it catch on. People are sheep. If they think everyone else says it, they'll say it too.

So get creative, put sunglasses on a goat, and try to contribute to pop culture.

Paul Bunyan Day.

Paul Bunyan, whose body-type was modeled after a combination of Larry King and the Nutcracker, is seen here with his beloved ox Babe, who apparently glows in the dark.In what I hope to be the first of many obscure holiday blog postings, I'd like to point out that tomorrow (Saturday, June 27th) is Paul Bunyan Day. So I'll give you some pointers on how to celebrate PBD in style, right after a brief explanation about P-Buns.

You may be asking why in holy hell Paul Bunyan gets his own day. Well, he doesn't. He shares it with "Sunglasses Day," a day in which you...wear sunglasses. I'm unsure whether this is to appease the Sun gods, piss them off, of help Ray-Ban with a struggling quarterly earnings statement, but it seems like a big pile of crap to me. Step off of Paul Bunyan's day, you retina-relaxing devil-goggles. Paul Bunyan SHOULD get his own day. After all, according to my sources (the same Internet that hosts such accurate and well-researched pools of information as my own blog or Fox News), Bunyan can be credited with:

• Creating logging in the U.S.
• Scooping out the Great Lakes to water Babe, his ox.
• Clearing the entire States of North and South Dakota for farming.
• Training ants to do logging work. They were, of course, Carpenter Ants.
• Babe's large footprints created Minnesota's 10,000 lakes.

See...that's a lot of important stuff right there! Logging? Without Paul Bunyan, your houses would have to be made out of brick! Oh...oh brick is actually a better choice? Ok, but the Great Lakes! Yeah, that right there effected...only 8 States. Fine, fine. But clearing out the Dakotas for farming was...hey wait a minute, Mt. Rushmore is in South Dakota. You didn't clear out the entire States, and you can't farm on a fucking mountain, Paul! This whole story is becomming less and less believable. Training ants? Who gives a shit? Get your giant ox to procreate and make baby giant oxes to learn the logging trade! It's gotta take months for trained ants to cut a tree. One giant ox just needs to run into one and you get to yell "TIMBER!" And what's this about more lakes? We already heard you bragging about the Great Lakes, and now you're going to go on about some lesser lakes you made? In Minnesota, no less?

You know what? I don't feel like giving anyone advice on celebrating Bunyan's big day anymore. Forget it, Paul. Your ox is adorable, but you haven't benefitted my life nearly enough to warrant your own day. I'm just going to shut my mouth on Saturday, wear some sunglasses, and watch Al Borland on Home Improvement. That's one lumberjack-looking doughboy more deserving of my attention.

Sell your shit.

"See, officer...it's windowless because...um...because the Barbies might be damaged by sunlight. Or the kids might try to escape. Wait...scratch that last part."You've got a lot of shit, you know. Lots of it. You've got shit you didn't even know you had. Shit all over your room, shit you're stepping on just to move around in your home. Shit EVERYWHERE!

I'm of course not using the word "shit" in place of "poop." Why would I ever turn down the opportunity to use the word "poop" - it's much more fun to say. No, no, I'm talking about all the materialistic "shit" you buy that you more than likely use once and should probably discard, but rather than admitting to yourself "hey self, you sure did fuck up on that purchase...dumb self, dumb!" you instead keep that stupid purchase around "just in case" you find a use for it. "See, not such a bad purchase after all, cause I might use it again, and I've got it in case I need it!" Right, self. Right. Who are you fooling? That Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt lost it's mojo (assuming it ever had mojo, which I don't agree with), and it isn't going to be ironic-cool for another decade. The beginner guitar hurt your fingers when you tried to teach yourself to play...and guess what, the next time you pick it up in winter 2010, those fingers are going to hurt just the same. And the penis pump...my god, don't get me started on the penis pump. What a mistake, friend. You never should have bought that penis pump.

So do you have a garage sale for all your shit? Do you bother your neighbors with a door-to-door salesman routine? Craigslist? Nay on all accounts (ok, you probably should go with Craigslist, but this blog post wouldn't be as fun that way). Here's what you do, broken down into simple steps.

1. Rent an unmarked, windowless white van. Super legit. It screams "I mean business," even if that business happens to be smuggling immigrants.
2. Load all of your unwanted, ready-to-be-someone-else's-mistake shit into said van.
3. Park near the front of a Goodwill Store.
4. Hang a big sign on the side of the van that says "Greatwill."

Need I say more? Seriously, should I? This thing sells itself. I learned the hierarchy of superlatives in first grade. Good is ok, but great is surely better, always. The only way you'd be fucked is if someone else parked next to you in a van marked "Greatestwill," and gave out free cherry Kool-Aid. Fuck that, add on another step: #5. Bring purple Kool-Aid for customers. Suck on that, Greatestwill. Everyone knows grape tops cherry in a Kool-Aid contest. Everyone.

And there you have it. Park your van and SELL SELL SELL in your mobile Greatwill store. Seriously, hurry it up with the selling of all your shit. You probably have about 15 minutes before Goodwill calls the cops on you.

You look like a celebrity.

Sometimes you don't want to look like a celebrity.For this activity, you'll need:

• A friend or two
• A car
• A mall
• Balls, in the metaphorical sense.

Get in the car with the friend or two, drive to the mall, and take out the aforementioned "balls". Have a list of celebrities that people would probably not enjoy being told they resemble. Kirstie Alley (pictured above) would likely not be flattering. The trick is to find someone that looks NOTHING like the celebrity - the more ridiculous, the better. It goes something like this:

You: "Hey...excuse me...holy shit, it's Amy Winehouse!"

Stranger: "Huh? I'm not Amy Winehouse...I'm a dude. WTF?"

You: "Oh, I'm so sorry. But seriously, wow, you could have totally fooled me." (friend conveniently passing by) "Excuse me, who does this person look like?"

Friend: "No waaaayyy!! Amy Winehouse! Hold up, let me get a picture with you!"

In the meantime, if you've brought another friend with you, that friend is currently wrangling up shoppers at the mall who look like they might participate, telling them to walk over to the stranger and ask for photos, autographs, or in the case of Amy Winehouse look-alikes, cocaine.

Other potential celebrities:

• Artie Lange (the fat guy from MadTV and the Howard Stern show)
• Will Ferrell doing an impression of Janet Reno
• Flavor Flav
• Renee Zellweger without makeup
• Clint Howard (I didn't know him by name either...he was in Austin Powers...click here)

Have fun at the mall. Video capturing encouraged.

Lower your carbon footprint with felines.

Only 14 more loads of these furballs and we're on a ROADTRIP!!!From the advancement of the very first horse-drawn carriage, man longed to bring their best friends (dogs) along for the ride rather than some stupid pony. But one man in Alaska had 12 canine best friends. He couldn't fit them all in the carriage, so he decided to let his horse go (actually, he ate the horse), and strapped up the pups to the front of a sled. From there, he sledded into town and showed off his new mode of transportation. By the time he got there, 7 of the dogs were hobbling and one got his tongue stuck to a metal pole. This story is completely fabricated, but that's just because I didn't feel like researching why dogsleds even exist. I'm pretty sure they shouldn't. It seems sort of cruel to me, but if we're going to be mean to the canine community, there's no good reason why a "catsled" should exist either. Fuck it, let's make it happen.

I did a quick Google search for "catsled" and found that someone did their homework already, claiming it would take 220 cats to pull a human and the supplies needed to go any stretch of distance (much of the weight being from catfood itself). Stray cats are EVERYWHERE. You telling me you can't find 220 of them? OF COURSE YOU CAN. It'll be easy.

Oh, you don't live in Alaska, or anywhere near snow? Well go for the urban version of the sled...the shopping cart. Sit on a shopping cart, strap 220 cats together with a maze of yarn, and get a long fishing pole to hold out a live mouse in front of them. The cats will go nuts for the live mouse. They'll be meowing in unison. It will be your own personal cat choir. Can you imagine anything more beautiful on your ears? Here's a drawing of what it will look like (I added a oversized novelty cowboy hat to the driver because I thought it would add to the overall experience):


On a serious note, there are far too many stray cats. For the love of all that is good and pure in this world, please have your pets spayed or neutered. If you do, Bob Barker will personally come to your house with the Plinko wall and other fabulous pricing games. And Drew Carey will be far, far away.

K.I.T.T. your automobile.

Hoff not included. Except maybe on Thursdays. I think he's free on Thursdays.Imagine you're driving down the road in your car/truck/van/wagon/douchey-Hummer with your friend. There's a lull in the conversation, when all of the sudden, out of nowhere - A VOICE. It's soothing tone is unlike your passenger's, and surely not your own. Your passenger is freaking the fuck out, you're playing along as if you don't understand either. Your car speaks again (and in this hypothetical, your name happens to be Ryan)....

"Hello Ryan, would you like a soft pretzel?"

You respond, hesitantly: "Uhh...yea...sure, I would."

"Look under your seat, Ryan."

And HOLY SHIT, there's a soft pretzel under your seat.

There are all sorts of technologies out there that could probably yield the result of a talking car. Some could run you a pretty penny. But thanks to FM transmitters and mp3 players, you can record a whole shatload of audio clips in a sequence on your mp3 player, keep the player in your left hand out of view from your passenger, and flip through them to create the elusive "talking car" phenomenon. Messages should be recorded rather vague in many instances, since your passenger will likely want to ask your car questions. Assuming your passenger's name is Andy, how about some of these responses?

"Suck a dick, Andy."
"I did not understand what you just said, Andy. Maybe learn to enunciate your words better. You sure do suck at talking, which is a fairly easy skill to obtain. Also, you have a stupid face."
"Really, Andy? Really? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response."
"Fuck that. Ryan, can you drop this guy off somewhere and pick up someone who doesn't make me want to puke up my lunch?"

But where, oh where, are you going to get the voice to say such things? Our friends at AT&T have a website for that. Personally, I like using the voice of "Mike" because he sounds a bit like Adam West, but give them all a shot. I have a feeling you might be wanting to bookmark this website...it's just plain fun.

http://public.research.att.com/~ttsweb/tts/demo.php

If you're reading this at work, be sure to let your co-workers hear what you really think about them. But do it in the voice of an old English dude. There's no way that will be detrimental to your office relationships. None at all.

Reverse-ransom somebody.

But who is "I"? Damn you, pronouns! How am I supposed to know which roommate is about to be punched in the nads?The ransom note is a time-tested staple of the crime community. The criminal steals something or somebody, sits down Indian-style on the floor with safety-scissors, a bottle of Elmer's and some old copies of Good Housekeeping, and after a few short hours...BLAMMO, there is one gooey anonymous letter ready to scare the bejesus out of its recipient.

But what about the victims? It seems like double-jeopardy. First they get their shit jacked, then they have to miss out on the fun of making a ransom note as well? Fuck that. Victims should stand up for themselves with what I like to call a "reverse-ransom note." What's that you say? You haven't had anything stolen from you, and thus don't feel like you can participate in this exercise? Bull honky. Just make something up that was stolen, then send it to somebody that has no clue what the hell is going on. Here's an example:
---------------------------------
Dear bag of douche,

I know you took my Baha Men CD. It may not seem like a big deal to you, and sure, I could easily find a copy at a used CD store. And it would probably be in that "free" box near the door. But it's the principle of things. You don't steal my shit, no matter how much you want to hear repetitive questioning of who let dogs out, or how much you feel the need to sing along to the "yippee-i-o" part. Give it back, or metaphorical "dogs" are going to be "let out" all over the place, and the consequences for you might not be quite as jovial as the happy tune you stole.

Love, Anonymous
---------------------------------

Keep in mind, if you're going to threaten someone in any way, you should probably make sure you mail your ransom note to someone you know personally who wouldn't want to turn you in to the cops. Threatening strangers can have jail-able consequences, and when you're in the slammer, guess what...no Baha Men for you in there. Just other men. Lots of them. Trying to fit into tight places without your consent. Proceed with caution.

Roll the dice, eat a hot dog.

This photo has absolutely nothing to do with my blog entry, but just look at the expression on the cat's face! Words cannot express what that kittie must be feeling. Thanks to sexypeople-blog.com.Perhaps one of the best ways to inexpensively pass time is with the help of a few friends and a board game. Ah, classic board games, how you never fail to make us happy. Oh, except for the MANY MANY MANY times you've failed to make us happy, like when you're missing pieces or all of your cards have been seen before and we already know the answers, or when you've got movable parts that stick, or when you REQUIRE 18 FUCKING AAA BATTERIES and gosh darn it, we've only got 16 at our disposal. But alas...when everything goes right, board games sure do deliver the good times, and you want those good times right NOW. So what's the plan...do you go to the store and buy more batteries? Do you buy a new game altogether? No, you lazy bum, you turn on the television and hope it fills the aching hole in your heart; the same hole you hoped would be filled with jovial laughter from "HA, you rolled ANOTHER 6!" or "You better not take my card, dicknose!" But it doesn't fill your hole. And you soooo wanted your hole to be filled tonight.

This is when you put on your thinking caps and realize that every board game was invented by someone just like you. Someone with the same boredom. The same longing for laughter and fun. The same holes. So who's to say you can't make your own board game? Nobody, and if there IS somebody saying these things, it's time to prove them wrong.

Step 1: Grab some paper, or cardboard if you're fancy. Draw something like this...
...or something not at ALL like this. Really you just want a Start and Finish square with a bunch of squares between them.

Step 2: Acquire dice. This is best accomplished by stealing from another game that has dice. If no dice are available, use this virtual dice roller.

Step 3: Get creative. Make some of the squares require you to draw a card from a stack of cards you've created. Write random tasks on these cards like "eat a hot dog." What, you don't have a hot dog in your house? Well load up the car, you're headed to a gas station and your friends are going to watch you eat a potentially hazardous month-old hot dog. If you're playing with a mixed-gender crowd, have one of the squares say "remove pants". If you're playing with all guys, probably don't have that square. If you're playing with all girls, DEFINITELY have that square. And a pillow fight. And a video camera. And my email address.

The only limits to the board game are those of your imagination. Which of course is a lie, because there are laws governing certain actions in nearly all parts of the globe...so try not to violate anything or anybody in the process of creating the world's most kickass board game.

Misinform the masses.

"I'll believe anything you tell me, pretty lady. Ladies love my creepy stare, so I'm going to give you my creepy stare now. How are you liking my creepy stare?"The Internet is a great place to find information. For instance, I learned:

1. The average cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven is $6,400
2. Some German states banned Red Bull last month after finding it contains trace amounts of cocaine
3. December is the greatest fucking month of all (and by that I mean more babies are conceived in that month than any other)
4. Like the alligator, small birds clean Chuck Norris' teeth when he opens wide.

The first 3 of those are true, while the last one I'm not completely ruling out. Point being, I found all of those semi-useful tidbits in about five minutes on the Internet. The downside of the Internet is that I could have also learned:

1. President Obama is trying to prevent people from attending church
2. A zookeeper in Germany died when an elephant took a shit on him
3. Drinking caffeinated beverages can lead to a net loss of fluids due to it's diuretic effects.

All 3 of those are false (though beverages containing alcohol CAN lead to a net loss of fluids, so drink water you crazy drunkards).

At this time, you may be under the assumption that my advice to bust up boredom for today is to search reputable sites on the internet and learn the answers to all of those little curiosities in your head, bettering yourself as a person by becoming more knowledgeable about the world around you. Well good job assuming things, and making an "ass" out of both "U" and "Ming" - you're dead wrong, bucko. I'm advising you to make shit up and laugh at how gullible people are in person. After all, to misinform people on the internet, you need to get them to visit the website hosting the misinformation. On the streets, you can bring the faulty factoids straight to their dumb faces, document it in video, slap it on the web, and embarrass them into educating their pathetic selves.

The traditional format of man-on-the-street interviews is to ask a question, wait for a response, and then give the correct answer if they don't know it. In my version, the last part is altered to give them a very incorrect answer - but tell them it is correct and seeing if they go for it. Better yet, even if the DO know the right answer, tell them they're wrong and see if they believe the nonsense answer you give them. If they lack common sense and believe some very unbelievable lies, then you should inform them that they lose all reproductive privileges.

Here's a sample questionnaire I put together. Grab a friend with a video camera and hit the streets with it, or write your own.

Q: What year did dinosaurs last roam the earth?
A: 1492, when Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas and shot a few remaining tyrannosauruses with cannonballs.

Q: How long does it take for the Earth to revolve around the Sun?
A: 7 days - that's why every week we have a Sunday.

Q: What is the world's fastest animal?
A: Eddie, the dog on TV's Frasier. (If they say "cheetah," you respond with, "Nope...they raced. Eddie won."

Q: How many States are in the United States of America?
A: 57 - we found a few floating around in the Gulf of Mexico in November of 2005.

Q: Who's face is on the new $5 bills?
A: George Jefferson.

Q: More than one goose are called geese. What is more than one moose called?
A: Meese, Mooses, or Moosae (pronounced Moos-eye). All 3 are acceptable.

Q: What do we put on roads and sidewalks during cold weather to depress the freezing point of water?
A: Pure gasoline.

Q: Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
A: Again, George Jefferson.

Q: How many ounces are in a cup?
A: 8 in the US, but only 3 in Mexico.

Q: Why does Santa Claus wear a red suit?
A: It was originally white, but one of the reindeer got out of line. Ol' Saint Nick made an example out of this deer, whose name I believe was Hank.

Seriously...if someone actually believes that Santa butchered a reindeer named Hank and bloodied up his white suit, I want to see video evidence of this fool on Youtube. Good luck folks.